Thursday, July 14, 2016

“Why on Earth would you speed hike?”

The author and Anish crossing paths on the AT.
Anish is smiling, I am grimacing in pain.
Honestly, I wouldn't.

But every year, someone announces their intention to attempt a speed record on a long distance trail.  And as inevitable as that is, so too is the chorus of people who feel the need to tell everyone that they can't possibly figure out why anyone would want to do such a thing.

The chorus also seems to have definite ideas of how people who attempt speed records could better spend their time, in much the same way that people who don’t hike trails at all often think that long distance hikers would be much happier if they, say, bought a house, or drove a vehicle that wasn’t 22-years old, or, at the very least, showered more than once every 5 or 6 days.

So it goes without saying that none of us really understands what makes other people happy or why.  Or at least it went without saying right up until just a sentence ago, when I went ahead and said it anyway.

But the Night Hiking To Mars blog is nothing if not informative, and so we present to you the results of a survey we’re pretending to have done, in which we asked “speed hikers” what benefits they derive from hiking an entire trail in the time it takes me to eat a half gallon of ice cream at Pine Grove Furnace State Park.

The Top Ten Benefits Of Speed Hiking

#10: Getting to smell the roses at 4am, when their odor is less likely to be overpowered by hiker funk.

#9: Dramatic reduction in the number of times you’ll hear Wagon Wheel.

#8: On trail at both dusk AND dawn, thus increasing the number of Bigfoot encounters.

#7: Pink Blazers give up after half a day.

#6: Getting to hear the part where people say “Hike Your Own Hike, but . . .” and being out of earshot by the time they’re telling you what you’re doing wrong.

#5: Fewer hotel stays means more money to spend on whiskey and Honey Buns.

#4: Acquiring the knowledge of what it feels like to elevate your chafe game from a minor annoyance to a full blown medical condition that requires skin grafts and rehab.

#3: Quickly outpacing people who want to tell you all of the advantages of hammocking.

#2: Ability to annoy internet “hikers” without having to suffer the indignity of starting a gofundme campaign.

And finally:

#1: By the time the giardia symptoms appear, you’re already sitting on your toilet at home.


Dedicated with love to my very fast friends, some record setters and others just plain speedy, whom I support without understanding you at all -- Anish, Tatu Jo, Snorkel, Trauma, Swami, Lint, and any other lunatics whom I'm forgetting.

 

9 comments:

  1. Okay, #s 5 and 1 would almost convince me, if speed hiking were even anything like an option. Which it's not. As I age, I'm thinking about setting the opposite record for some trails. You know, longest time to complete the trail. I just have to plan it right to be able to hole up through the winters...

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  2. But if I drink whisky all by myself do I have a problem?

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  3. This absolutely is one of those annual topics in which one can predict the comments that will be made. "Smelling the roses" has a 99.8% chance of being within the first five comments.

    Other fun annual topics with predictable responses are "What Knife should I carry," "Carrying a Gun," "Fishing Along The Trail," "What Cell Phone Carrier?" "SUL - Light or Stupid Light?"

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  4. 9 and 2.
    ...Rye Hiker.

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  5. "... none of us really understands what makes other people happy or why"

    I needed to read this. Thanks

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  6. #6 and #3, definitely. Love pointing out how hard it is to hammock if you backpack in the desert or high elevation when people insist I'm doing it wrong.

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  7. Okay, a year later and a new record, and my earlier comment still stands. Actually, these are all good reasons for a speed hike. But I'm still not capable, so I am still looking at setting an all-time-slow record. The spouse and I are going for extreme section hiking of the PCT and AT (at the same time(, generally in chunks of less than 3 miles.

    Figured out the spot to hole up for the winter: home. Or the Southern Hemisphere. Preferably the latter.

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  8. That is hilarious....and I still although I only now am pretending to be a hiker...only showering every 2 to 4 days...

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