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No worries! Just because you just discovered that it’s almost Christmas, it doesn’t mean your hiking loved one has to go without. Because there are perfectly good hiker Christmas presents just lying around your house waiting to be given to the sort of person who claims they’re “really way more into experiences than things.” In this article, I’m going to highlight some of the things that are perfect for people who don’t want more things. Bonus: you get to get rid of some things.
The Classic Hiker Wallet
You know, there’s some really sweet and expensive silnylon wallet action going on in the woods. But 9 out of 10 long distance hikers agree that nothing beats a Ziploc wallet, and frankly, they’re all making fun of the 10th guy’s sweet silnylon wallet behind his back. Because what’s not to like about a Ziploc wallet? It’s light. It’s waterproof. It doesn’t have a zipper that can break. AND it’s transparent, so you can see how much money you saved by not buying an actual wallet. For the hiker in your life, it’s the perfect gift for storing their license, debit card, cash, Do Not Resuscitate Order, and the credit card they’re going to max out when it turns out that random guy on the internet was wrong about being able to hike the entire trail on $1200.
Note: Does not come with any of the contents shown.
Maybe “multi” is the wrong word here, but this tool is definitely dual purpose. At least. One end of it makes fire, which can be used as a heat source AND a light source. If you’re one of the 0.0000007% of people who actually ends up using a paracord survival bracelet instead of just wearing it, it’s good both for sealing the ends of paracord and accidentally burning your fingertip while sealing the ends of paracord. That second one is probably just me.
You can also use it to light a stove if you’re not one of those No Cook savages.
But even if you ARE one of those No Cook savages, the other end of it can be used to open beer bottles. Unless you’re one of those No Beer savages. If that’s the case, I’ve got nothing. At least you can enjoy the fact that it says “The Hooters” on it.
There’s really no more thrilling way to quit a hike than via a Search And Rescue helicopter ride. Whether you’ve gone hypothermic, fallen down a ravine and broken a leg, or accidentally hit the panic button on a SPOT device while putting it in your pack, a helicopter ride can be either lifesaving or incredibly embarrassing or both.
But it can’t happen if they can’t find you. This signaling mirror is compact, lightweight, has a hole in the center for easily directing reflected sunlight at a helicopter pilot, and features 13 hot, hot, hot Shakira songs, on the off chance there’s a CD player in the helicopter.
It’s the most danceable Ultra Lightweight Signaling Mirror on the market, assuming you haven’t fallen down a ravine and broken your leg.
“How do you clean out your pot?” is a commonly asked question online. Some people say, “I use this sponge that I’ve used for months and is full of lord knows what. And to deal with the bacterial diseases in the sponge, I use my immune system. Hopefully.” Other people say, “I just throw some sand or leaves or a squirrel in there and swirl it around,” which works unless, like me, you burn the shit out of your food on a regular basis. Still others say, “people clean out their pots?” and then go on to explain that since they boil water in their pot every night, they don’t need to clean it.
Which is probably true, but definitely disgusting.
The Ultra Lightweight Pot Scraper is the perfect tool for cleaning your pot. Use the long edge for the sides of your pot and the short edge for scraping burned food off the bottom. The pot scraper won’t end up being a festering colony of bacteria like a sponge will, and unlike people who use a squirrel, you aren’t potentially exposing yourself to Rabies or the Plague. And if you’re on an AT Thru-hike and you go into DC from Harpers Ferry, there’s something like seven or eight bucks loaded on this pot scraper you can use to ride The Metro.
Sam Adams Winter Lager Cardboard Box Full Of A Completely Disorganized Collection Of Maps
While everyone probably already has one of these, that’s no reason not to mail it to someone. Because who doesn’t love maps? They’re terrific for navigating. They bring back wonderful memories of previous hikes. They make great gift wrap -- in fact, you could make an origami box out of one and put all of the other gifts on this list into it.
Hmmm. What else? Wallpaper? Why not? Because you don’t own any walls? Fair enough. But you could decoupage the entire interior of that van you’re living in. Really, though, the best place for the box of maps is the floor of your gear closet. And every time you’re getting ready for a trip you can pull it out, look at it, shove it back in the gear closet and think, “when I get back from this trip I’m going to get these maps in some sort of order.”
And even though that won’t ever be true, isn't it nice to think that some future version of you will be an organized version of you?
I bet that version of you won’t wait until December 21st to start thinking about Christmas gifts either.
Merry Christmas to all from the Night Hiking To Mars Blog!
