“Why on Earth would you speed hike?”

The author and Anish crossing paths on the AT.
Anish is smiling, I am grimacing in pain.

Honestly, I wouldn't.

But every year, someone announces their intention to attempt a speed record on a long distance trail.  And as inevitable as that is, so too is the chorus of people who feel the need to tell everyone that they can't possibly figure out why anyone would want to do such a thing.

The chorus also seems to have definite ideas of how people who attempt speed records could better spend their time, in much the same way that people who don’t hike trails at all often think that long distance hikers would be much happier if they, say, bought a house, or drove a vehicle that wasn’t 22-years old, or, at the very least, showered more than once every 5 or 6 days.

So it goes without saying that none of us really understands what makes other people happy or why.  Or at least it went without saying right up until just a sentence ago, when I went ahead and said it anyway.

But the Night Hiking To Mars blog is nothing if not informative, and so we present to you the results of a survey we’re pretending to have done, in which we asked “speed hikers” what benefits they derive from hiking an entire trail in the time it takes me to eat a half gallon of ice cream at Pine Grove Furnace State Park.

The Top Ten Benefits Of Speed Hiking

#10: Getting to smell the roses at 4am, when their odor is less likely to be overpowered by hiker funk.

#9: Dramatic reduction in the number of times you’ll hear Wagon Wheel.

#8: On trail at both dusk AND dawn, thus increasing the number of Bigfoot encounters.

#7: Pink Blazers give up after half a day.

#6: Getting to hear the part where people say “Hike Your Own Hike, but . . .” and being out of earshot by the time they’re telling you what you’re doing wrong.

#5: Fewer hotel stays means more money to spend on whiskey and Honey Buns.

#4: Acquiring the knowledge of what it feels like to elevate your chafe game from a minor annoyance to a full blown medical condition that requires skin grafts and rehab.

#3: Quickly outpacing people who want to tell you all of the advantages of hammocking.

#2: Ability to annoy internet “hikers” without having to suffer the indignity of starting a gofundme campaign.

And finally:

#1: By the time the giardia symptoms appear, you’re already sitting on your toilet at home.


Dedicated with love to my very fast friends, some record setters and others just plain speedy, whom I support without understanding you at all -- Anish, Tatu Jo, Snorkel, Trauma, Swami, Lint, and any other lunatics whom I'm forgetting.

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Anish Breaks Speed Record For Lunch At ALDHA-West Gathering

Speed records have been a hot topic lately in the world of long distance hiking, with 2013 seeing record-setting hikes on both the Pacific Crest Trail and the Appalachian Trail.  But it would be difficult to describe the awe with which most are describing the latest record breaking feat -- the shattering of the speed record for Lunch at the ALDHA-West Gathering.

When Heather “Anish” Anderson sat down for Lunch on September 28th of this year, many thought the record, set in 2008, was unbeatable.  But Anish knocked a full 35 seconds off of it, an unheard of amount of time in a field where records are normally broken by seconds. 

Anish, struggling momentarily with the soup.

Previous record holder Joe “Tatu-Jo” Kisner, who set the previous mark of 2 minutes, 42 seconds in 2008, was on hand at Camp Augusta Saturday.  “Anish is a machine,” said Kisner, “I only recently switched to veganism, which this year made Lunch incredibly confusing for me.  But she has Lunch down.  We were all rooting for her.”

While Anish says that the trail community is mostly supportive,  some don’t see the point of breaking Lunch records.  “I could never eat Lunch that fast,” said one member of ALDHA-West, “you know, EYOL and all, but I don’t know how you can enjoy Lunch like that.  I think you have to slow down, savor it.” (That member preferred to remain unnamed for this story, stating, “yeah, the thing is, I prefer to do my smack-talking anonymously on the internet”) 

Anish takes this point of view in stride.  “There are occasionally people who are critical of the speed at which I eat.  But I really do enjoy it.  I tell people that I’m eating the same Lunch as them.  Only faster.  And without meat.  Or chewing.”

The website Fastest Known Time (FKT) doesn’t recognize Lunch records, and it's all done on the honor system.  But there is no doubt in anyone’s mind that this record is genuine.  Said Barney “Scout” Mann, “I was sitting right next to her the whole time.  She was eating Lunch.  And I own a watch.  It’s not too hard to figure out.”

Scott Williamson, Anish, and Tatu-Jo: Big Names In Speed Lunching

With a new record of 2:07 set, many discussed the possibility of what was once thought impossible -- a sub-two minute Lunch.  “I think it’ll happen eventually,” said Tatu-Jo, “Lunch records are all about challenging yourself.  Maybe Scott will do it.  Maybe he’ll figure out a way to Yo-Yo Lunch.  Who knows?”

What’s next for Anish?  She has entered the lottery for the Hard Rock 100 and hopes to have a chance to be a part of the race, which starts on her 33rd Birthday.  If she doesn’t get a spot via the lottery, she plans to break the record for Eating An Entire Birthday Cake At High Altitude, a record currently held by Sarah “Coyote” Holt.

(Update: Shortly after the record was set, Anish’s record was broken at the same Lunch by Cam “Swami” Hogan, who shaved two seconds off the record while eating Lunch in a supported fashion -- with assistance from Justin “Trauma” Lichter.) 

Swami Breaks Anish's Record With Assistance From Trauma

Hiker Vows To "Make the CDT My Bitch"

Shane O'Donnell, Future CDT Speed Record Holder

For Immediate Release 10/26/11

Ignorance and a delusional sense of self-confidence.

That is what Shane O'Donnell will be relying on when he embarks on his bold and quite possibly life-threatening attempt to "not just shatter, but mug at knifepoint and beat senseless" the Continental Divide Trail speed record.

The 41-year-old Roslyn resident plans to depart from the trail's southernmost point in New Mexico early in May - probably on May 1st - in an attempt to complete the trail, which snakes through 5 states from New Mexico to Montana, in record time.

"I'm going to hike the entire CDT in 28 days," says O'Donnell, "I don't just want to break the record.  I want to smash the record into small pieces, sauté those pieces, eat them, and then poop them into a 6-8" deep cathole.  It's kind of a statement for me."

There is some doubt about the possibility of breaking the record, insofar as it doesn't actually exist.  Jackie McDonnell, CDT Guide Book author, explains: “There really isn’t a definitive speed record for the CDT because the trail itself doesn’t have one official route.  There are multiple termini, cutoffs, alternates and foul-weather routes.  Everyone’s CDT hike is unique in the sense that everyone hikes a slightly different (or sometimes greatly different) trail.  Setting a speed record would be meaningless, because it’s incredibly unlikely that any two people would hike the exact same trail.  Seems like poor planning. Is Shane O’Donnell even aware of this?”

Shane is aware of this, but insists that poor planning is part of his strategy.  

“There are a lot of naysayers and haters out there who know an awful lot about the CDT.  But they don’t know anything about me, about my inner drive, my refusal to quit even when what I’m attempting makes no sense whatsoever,” Shane explains, “it’s pretty clear that being completely aware of what I’m facing might crush my unrealistic expectations.”

Even if one assumes that the CDT is, in length, the minimum that has been estimated (approximately 2800 miles), Shane would have to clock 28 straight 100 mile days, including stretches in high altitude mountains that may be impassable due to snow.  Is he up to it?

“People tell me that I’m off the wall.  But that’s where everyone else is.  They’re ‘off the wall’ because they’re ‘on the floor.’  I’m ON the wall, and only I know what that means.  But experience?  Yeah, I’ve got tons.  I was a Boy Scout for a summer when I was, I think, 13.  And when I worked in Boston, the other valets and I once built a huge snow cave that we hung out in instead of working, so I’m comfortable with winter extremes.  Plus I’ve walked more than 30 miles in a day.  I don’t see how 100 miles is much different.  Or 28 of them in a row.”

Such a pace suggests that Shane will need to run, most likely for up to 22 hours per day, but he insists that he will hike unsupported.  Says Shane, “I guarantee that I will not wear underwear for the entire hike.  Wait.  What was the question?”

Though he’ll be unsupported, he expects to be followed, in a sense.

“Yeah, I’ll be tweeting, posting to Instagram, and updating on Facebook.  Then of course there’ll be my website, and my blog, and interviews I’ll do along the way, plus probably some updates on some charity sites I’ll link to in an attempt to get sponsorship and lessen awareness of my overly apparent narcissism.  I expect that everyone will be interested in paying attention to me.  Why wouldn’t they?”

While the answer to that may be painfully obvious to some, Shane insists that he will be inspired by all of the doubters, if not by the natural beauty that surrounds him.

“I’ll be thinking about the doubters the whole way as I beat the CDT so bad it’s own mom doesn’t recognize it,” he says, “I mean, they told Napoleon he couldn’t successfully invade Russia, but he didn’t listen, right?  I know that complete ignorance and self-delusion only gets you so far, but the fact that I won’t back down tells me this is a lock.  When I get done crushing the CDT, the Houston Astros will be making fun of it.” 

When contacted for an opinion, Garret “The Onion” Christensen asked, “What does that last sentence even mean?”

He’ll have to wait until May 2012 to find out.  

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