“Why on Earth would you speed hike?”

The author and Anish crossing paths on the AT.
Anish is smiling, I am grimacing in pain.

Honestly, I wouldn't.

But every year, someone announces their intention to attempt a speed record on a long distance trail.  And as inevitable as that is, so too is the chorus of people who feel the need to tell everyone that they can't possibly figure out why anyone would want to do such a thing.

The chorus also seems to have definite ideas of how people who attempt speed records could better spend their time, in much the same way that people who don’t hike trails at all often think that long distance hikers would be much happier if they, say, bought a house, or drove a vehicle that wasn’t 22-years old, or, at the very least, showered more than once every 5 or 6 days.

So it goes without saying that none of us really understands what makes other people happy or why.  Or at least it went without saying right up until just a sentence ago, when I went ahead and said it anyway.

But the Night Hiking To Mars blog is nothing if not informative, and so we present to you the results of a survey we’re pretending to have done, in which we asked “speed hikers” what benefits they derive from hiking an entire trail in the time it takes me to eat a half gallon of ice cream at Pine Grove Furnace State Park.

The Top Ten Benefits Of Speed Hiking

#10: Getting to smell the roses at 4am, when their odor is less likely to be overpowered by hiker funk.

#9: Dramatic reduction in the number of times you’ll hear Wagon Wheel.

#8: On trail at both dusk AND dawn, thus increasing the number of Bigfoot encounters.

#7: Pink Blazers give up after half a day.

#6: Getting to hear the part where people say “Hike Your Own Hike, but . . .” and being out of earshot by the time they’re telling you what you’re doing wrong.

#5: Fewer hotel stays means more money to spend on whiskey and Honey Buns.

#4: Acquiring the knowledge of what it feels like to elevate your chafe game from a minor annoyance to a full blown medical condition that requires skin grafts and rehab.

#3: Quickly outpacing people who want to tell you all of the advantages of hammocking.

#2: Ability to annoy internet “hikers” without having to suffer the indignity of starting a gofundme campaign.

And finally:

#1: By the time the giardia symptoms appear, you’re already sitting on your toilet at home.


Dedicated with love to my very fast friends, some record setters and others just plain speedy, whom I support without understanding you at all -- Anish, Tatu Jo, Snorkel, Trauma, Swami, Lint, and any other lunatics whom I'm forgetting.

TBW PRODUCTIONS

TBW YOUTUBE CHANNEL

TBW INSTAGRAM

 

Guidebooks For Trail Widths: A Review

If I'm delusional, why does this tee exist?

As many of you know, late in 2015 I set the Fastest Known Time for hiking the Twiple Crown, hiking the Widths of the PCT, CDT, and AT in a record 3 days, 6 hours, and 35 minutes.  It was a pretty awesome accomplishment.

Ever since setting the record, I have been bombarded with emails from hikers asking for all sorts of information and advice concerning hiking the Widths of the Trails, also known as Side To Side Hikes (or S2S).  And while that previous sentence is absolutely untrue, I think we have to ask ourselves if it’s an outright intentional lie, or if I’m living in some weird fantasy world where hikers not only want to hike Trail Widths, but also one in which people actually read this blog.

Hard to say.  But either way, I’ve decided to offer help via a review of the guidebooks that may or may not be available for hiking the Trail Widths, because frankly I am far too busy customizing my Hiking Eating Helmet to keep answering all of these emails that may or may not be coming in.  So let’s start with the PCT.

Pacific Crest Trail
There’s really only one choice here.  Yogi’s Pacific Crest Trail Width Handbook has all of the information you need to successfully hike the Width of the PCT.  The first part of the book has advice from a number of previous Width Hikers, which is incredibly helpful when in the planning stages of your hike.  The second part is an on-trail guide with all sorts of useful information, including trailhead locations, good places to nap, water sources close to roads, hotels to stay in before your hike and bars to celebrate in afterwards.  Highly recommended!

Continental Divide Trail


As with the PCT, the recommended guide book is put out by Yogi.  Her Continental Divide Trail Handbook Width Edition has the same basic format as the PCT book, so if you’ve used that it will seem familiar.  Admittedly, you can probably get by without a guide book for the PCT Width, but a guide for the CDT Width is a must.  Sometimes there’s no footbed for the Width, sometimes you can be on it and not realize it, and sometimes you think you’re walking the Width of the CDT and you’re really on a game trail.  It also includes such vital information as the best place to buy a velvet John Wayne painting while on trail, where you can ride an enormous stuffed Jackalope, and which restaurants have burgers so large that in order to eat them you have to unhinge your jaw like a snake.


I haven’t used them, but I’ve heard from other Width hikers that the recently completed Jerry Brown Width Map Books are excellent.  Nobody thinks they’re going to get lost while hiking 2-4 feet of trail, but it happens all the time.  Particularly if, like me, you’re easily confused.


Appalachian Trail 

Hiking the Width of the Appalachian Trail is the most popular of the Width hikes out of the three trails, due mainly to its close proximity to large population centers full of lazy people.  Consequently, there are more options.  All of them have their pluses and minuses.



AT Guide


David Miller’s AT Width Guide has information on the distance from one side of the trail to the other for the entire AT, which would seem like overkill if this were an actual book.  It includes the slope of the width as well, integrated into each page using an overlaid slope map.  The nice thing about this guide is that it is available in both Eastbound and Westbound versions.  It also comes inside a heavy duty zip-lock bag, which is perfect for people who live underwater and hikers in the Smokies in April (which is pretty much the same thing).


ASDHA Width-Hikers Companion


The Width-Hikers Companion is compiled every year by Appalachian Short Distance Hikers Association volunteer field editors and is available from that organization as well as the ATC.  It has excellent information on trailhead locations, which is ideal for driving to the trail and walking three feet.  There is a pdf version available as well as a companion phone app, but the 288-page book is the recommended version for starting fires and swatting at mosquitoes.


Width Data Book


All of the information in the ATC-published Data Book is available in both the AT Guide and the Companion, but it is the smallest, lightest option and is recommended for UL Width Hikers which, honestly, really should be just about everybody.


There are, of course, other options out there, including not bothering with a guidebook at all.  But whether you’re a planner or a winging-it kind of hiker, keep in mind that with Width Hiking, “The Very Short Journey Is The Almost Immediately Reached Destination.”

Note: For reasons that boggle the mind, some people want to hike the lengths of these things instead of the widths.  Not sure what that's all about.  But if you are one of those lunatics, the same guidebooks are available for lengths!

With thanks to Matt Bowler and Bill Garlinghouse for help with terminology!

TBW PRODUCTIONS

TBW YOUTUBE CHANNEL

TBW INSTAGRAM

Night Hiking To Mars Best Of 2015

It has recently become apparent to us here at Night Hiking To Mars that just about every other hiking and outdoor online “news source” puts out a year-end “Best Of” article.



We now think that we’ve done a disservice to the eight people who read this blog by not having our own annual swaggering, self-high-fiving post, considering that we’ve been putting out what is arguably the best online source for outdoor news that probably hasn’t actually happened.

In addition, it occurs to us that an article about our best articles not only requires almost no work on our part, but also allows us to celebrate ourselves in a way that might otherwise come across as unseemly braggadocio.


Some might say that maybe we should leave it to others to judge the quality and impact of what we’ve written.  But can we really trust other people to have good taste?  To be discerning?  To use the royal “we” when referring to the one person who writes these articles?  In this day and age, we say no.

And even if others were capable of all of that, would they highlight the fact that the article appeared in Night Hiking To Mars?  Would they make it clear that the Night Hiking To Mars Blog is always the most important part of the story?  Considering how infrequently anyone gives us credit on Instagram, Facebook, or the internet generally for the naked photos of us running amuck in a Jiffy Lube, we again say no.
  


So treat yourself.
Sit back, grab a drink, and bask in the awesomeness that was Night Hiking To Mars in 2015 (oh, and make sure to click on all of the links, thus increasing our page views without us really doing anything new at all).  Enjoy!


#5 “Wild” Debates About PCT Overcrowding (Parts One And Two)
Unique for being a three-part series with only two parts, “Wild” Debates About PCT Overcrowding looked at concerns created by a combination of the release of the movie Wild and people sitting around all winter with nothing better to worry about.  Part One focused on people carrying furniture with them while thru-hiking.  Part Two involved caches of office supplies littering the trail.  Neither one of these concerns seems to have had an actual impact on the trail last season, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t time to panic.

#4  Appalachian Trail: The Sheltered Life
A Guide to sharing space, time, and mice at Appalachian Trail shelters that can best be summed up
by the following: practice LNT, try not to be annoying, bring earplugs.  But there’s more in there, so you should definitely read it -- otherwise, you’ll be unaware of the circumstances under which other hikers might try to eat your dog.

#3 "Bear Selfie" Issue Spreads To The Continental Divide Trail
Bear Selfies are viewed as an increasing problem by land managers worried about the potential for attacks.  This article examines the phenomenon, looks at why Forest Service warnings aren’t working, and asks the question, “where are these bears getting selfie sticks?”


#2 Hiker Claims Fastest Known Time For "Twiple Crown"
Night Hiking To Mars interviews the new Fastest Known Time holder of what is arguably the most prestigious speed record for hiking trail widths in the country.
Which is definitely a thing and not something we just made up.


#1 Night Hiking To Mars Best of 2015
The top spot, as you can imagine, is held by the article about the top articles of 2015.  How could it not be?  It’s literally an article about the best articles.  Sure, the Apple Cake one was useful, and the calendar one was kind of clever, and the A.T. Training one recommended eating Gold Bond, which is probably legally actionable.



But this is the “Best Of” Article.  By its very nature it has to be the best.  You should click on the link and read it again, and then again, and then again.  And we’d say that you should really go on and do this endlessly, like you’re trapped in an M.C. Escher painting or an online argument about tents vs. hammocks, except that you should at least pause and share this article with your friends.  Because, as we think we’ve already mentioned, it’s the best.

Note: Thanks to everyone who helped with the articles this year!  More to come in 2016!

TBW PRODUCTIONS

TBW YOUTUBE CHANNEL

TBW INSTAGRAM

Hiker Claims Fastest Known Time For "Twiple Crown"

Shane “Jester” O’Donnell has hiked the AT (twice), LT, PCT, JMT, and CDT.  He’s a co-holder of the record for highest altitude Twister game, and was recently voted the AT Class of 2015’s “Most Likely To Be Wearing A Completely Different Outfit The Next Time You See Him” AND “Most Likely To Tell You How Seriously, Seriously Awesome He Is.  No, Seriously.”  Recently, he claimed a Fastest Known Time (FKT) for what he calls “The Twiple Crown.”  Night Hiking To Mars recently sat down with Jester for an interview about his latest record setting feat.

Jester completing the Twiple Crown

NHTM: Welcome!
Jester: Thanks!  Great to be here!

NHTM: First of all, tell us . . .
Jester: No snacks?
NHTM: What?

Jester: There aren’t any snacks?  At all?

NHTM: No.
Jester: Bummer.  I sort of assumed there’d be snacks.

NHTM: Right.  Well, first of all, tell us about “The Twiple Crown.”
Jester: Sure.  “The Twiple Crown” involves hiking the entire widths of the Appalachian Trail, Pacific Crest Trail, and the Continental Divide Trail.  There are a couple of hundred people who have hiked the entire lengths of these trails, but not nearly as many who have hiked the widths.  And in my case, I did it in record time.

Taking a brief nap after crossing the PCT

NHTM: Tell us more about that record attempt.

Jester: Right, well, my speed record attempt for the Twiple Crown started at the Anderson’s house in Green Valley on December 7th.  I left late in the morning and got to the trail crossing at San Francisquito Canyon Road at 11am, where I walked the width of the PCT.  By the next morning I was in Lordsburg, New Mexico and walked across the CDT near the fireworks place.  From there it was a little more than 1800 miles to the AT crossing at I-40, where I got off the highway, walked the width of the AT, and then went to Standing Bear Farm and had a beer with Baltimore Jack.  Total time: 3 days, 6 hours, 35 minutes.  Not including the beer part.

Crossing the CDT in Lordsburg, NM

NHTM: We contacted Jackie “Yogi” McDonnell, a Triple Crowner and the author of guidebooks for the PCT, CDT, and Colorado Trail, and asked her about the Twiple Crown.  Her response was, and I quote, “That is absolutely not a thing.  At all.”  What do you have to say to that?
Jester: Well I’ve got this hat that says it’s a thing.


NHTM: That’s a Triple Crown hat with a “W” written on a piece of duct tape covering the “R” in "Triple."
Jester: Look, let’s not get into what the hat is or isn’t.  The point isn't the hat.  The point is, there are people who stick to walking the lengths of established trails, and hey -- that’s great.  But for some of us, we’re pushing boundaries.  Creating new experiences.  I mean, was High-Altitude Twister “a thing” before I set the record for that?  Of course not.  But now it is.


NHTM:  We asked Yogi about High-Altitude Twister, too.  She said, “also not a thing.”
Jester: Well, I think that just proves my point.  Some people stick to the adventures people have already done.  I attempt the adventures that nobody’s even thought of because they don’t make any sense.  I’m like Andrew Skurka, but without the National Geographic article, attention span, or fitness level.

High Altitude Twister may or may not be a thing.

NHTM: Speaking of fitness, how did you train for the attempt?

Jester: I’m pretty well known for not doing any physical training at all, but since this was for a record I had to hit the ground running.  So I decided to prepare for this attempt by thru-hiking the Appalachian Trail, which kind of turned out to be overkill since the Twiple Crown involves about six feet of walking.

NHTM:  And you met Heather “Anish” Anderson while you were on your thru-hike.

Jester: I did!  It was just south of Pinkham Notch.  When I told her about my plan to set a record for the Twiple Crown she said, “that’s so dumb it’s amazing.”  And I have to tell you, to have a hiker of Anish’s caliber tell you that something you’re planning is amazing  is just incredible.  It’s really inspiring and motivating.

Training with near Anish.

NHTM: What were the keys to your success on this attempt?
Jester: Planning.  Gas money.  My focus.  Definitely my focus . . . hey, are those snacks?

NHTM: No, that’s a bowl of fake fruit.

Jester: Wow. They look totally real.

A very old thing.  In front of a dinosaur.

NHTM: You were saying, about your focus . . .
Jester: Right!  The Focus.  Only it’s not a Focus.  It’s a Ranger, a 1992 Ford Ranger, and with over 256,000 on the odometer it has almost as many miles as Cam “Swami” Honan.  I definitely couldn’t have done this without my truck.  I’d also like to thank my sponsors, all of whom asked not to be named.
NHTM: Because?

Jester: Something about “not wanting to be associated with this record.”

NHTM: Understandable.  Do you think anyone can break it?

Jester:  Sure.  It's probably easier East to West because of the time changes.  And staying on I-40 the entire time and hiking the width of the CDT in Grants would probably cut off some time.  But I think you're asking, "can anyone break it?" when the better question is, “why would anyone want to?”

NHTM: True, true.  People who attempt speed records say it can be an emotional rollercoaster.  Did you feel like that?

Jester:  Only a couple of times.  In Texas I had a brief moment of terror when I thought a semi was coming right for me, but it turned out to be a truck towing another truck backwards.  I hate that.  And the night before I finished I was sleeping in my truck fifty miles west of Memphis and thought, “I’m in a country song right now,” which as you can imagine is depressing.  But in the morning I got up, took my pants off, and got back on the road.  504 miles of driving and two feet of walking later and I had the record.  It was exhilarating.

  

A brief moment of terror

NHTM: It must have been.  What are you going to do next?
Jester: Well, considering the snack situation around here I’m definitely going to have lunch.

NHTM: But after that?  Any plans?

Jester: Not sure.  I heard a rumor that the Appalachian Trail is going to be 0.1 miles shorter in 2016, which might give me just the edge I need to beat Anish’s Self-Supported Record.  So maybe that.  Hard to say.  But whatever it is, it’ll be seriously, seriously awesome.

FKT For The Twiple Crown!

Note: After this interview we contacted Heather “Anish” Anderson about the possibility of Jester beating her record.  Her response was, “He said that?  Really?  HahahAhaHaHahAhaHAhaha!  Oh God!  HAhaHahAhaHAhahaHAHA!  Oh, man.  Heeheehee. That made my day.  Wow.”

TBW Productions

TBW Productions YouTube

TBW Instagram

Hiker Vows To "Make the CDT My Bitch"

Shane O'Donnell, Future CDT Speed Record Holder

For Immediate Release 10/26/11

Ignorance and a delusional sense of self-confidence.

That is what Shane O'Donnell will be relying on when he embarks on his bold and quite possibly life-threatening attempt to "not just shatter, but mug at knifepoint and beat senseless" the Continental Divide Trail speed record.

The 41-year-old Roslyn resident plans to depart from the trail's southernmost point in New Mexico early in May - probably on May 1st - in an attempt to complete the trail, which snakes through 5 states from New Mexico to Montana, in record time.

"I'm going to hike the entire CDT in 28 days," says O'Donnell, "I don't just want to break the record.  I want to smash the record into small pieces, sauté those pieces, eat them, and then poop them into a 6-8" deep cathole.  It's kind of a statement for me."

There is some doubt about the possibility of breaking the record, insofar as it doesn't actually exist.  Jackie McDonnell, CDT Guide Book author, explains: “There really isn’t a definitive speed record for the CDT because the trail itself doesn’t have one official route.  There are multiple termini, cutoffs, alternates and foul-weather routes.  Everyone’s CDT hike is unique in the sense that everyone hikes a slightly different (or sometimes greatly different) trail.  Setting a speed record would be meaningless, because it’s incredibly unlikely that any two people would hike the exact same trail.  Seems like poor planning. Is Shane O’Donnell even aware of this?”

Shane is aware of this, but insists that poor planning is part of his strategy.  

“There are a lot of naysayers and haters out there who know an awful lot about the CDT.  But they don’t know anything about me, about my inner drive, my refusal to quit even when what I’m attempting makes no sense whatsoever,” Shane explains, “it’s pretty clear that being completely aware of what I’m facing might crush my unrealistic expectations.”

Even if one assumes that the CDT is, in length, the minimum that has been estimated (approximately 2800 miles), Shane would have to clock 28 straight 100 mile days, including stretches in high altitude mountains that may be impassable due to snow.  Is he up to it?

“People tell me that I’m off the wall.  But that’s where everyone else is.  They’re ‘off the wall’ because they’re ‘on the floor.’  I’m ON the wall, and only I know what that means.  But experience?  Yeah, I’ve got tons.  I was a Boy Scout for a summer when I was, I think, 13.  And when I worked in Boston, the other valets and I once built a huge snow cave that we hung out in instead of working, so I’m comfortable with winter extremes.  Plus I’ve walked more than 30 miles in a day.  I don’t see how 100 miles is much different.  Or 28 of them in a row.”

Such a pace suggests that Shane will need to run, most likely for up to 22 hours per day, but he insists that he will hike unsupported.  Says Shane, “I guarantee that I will not wear underwear for the entire hike.  Wait.  What was the question?”

Though he’ll be unsupported, he expects to be followed, in a sense.

“Yeah, I’ll be tweeting, posting to Instagram, and updating on Facebook.  Then of course there’ll be my website, and my blog, and interviews I’ll do along the way, plus probably some updates on some charity sites I’ll link to in an attempt to get sponsorship and lessen awareness of my overly apparent narcissism.  I expect that everyone will be interested in paying attention to me.  Why wouldn’t they?”

While the answer to that may be painfully obvious to some, Shane insists that he will be inspired by all of the doubters, if not by the natural beauty that surrounds him.

“I’ll be thinking about the doubters the whole way as I beat the CDT so bad it’s own mom doesn’t recognize it,” he says, “I mean, they told Napoleon he couldn’t successfully invade Russia, but he didn’t listen, right?  I know that complete ignorance and self-delusion only gets you so far, but the fact that I won’t back down tells me this is a lock.  When I get done crushing the CDT, the Houston Astros will be making fun of it.” 

When contacted for an opinion, Garret “The Onion” Christensen asked, “What does that last sentence even mean?”

He’ll have to wait until May 2012 to find out.  

TBW PRODUCTIONS
TBW YouTube Channel
TBW Instagram