“Why on Earth would you speed hike?”

The author and Anish crossing paths on the AT.
Anish is smiling, I am grimacing in pain.

Honestly, I wouldn't.

But every year, someone announces their intention to attempt a speed record on a long distance trail.  And as inevitable as that is, so too is the chorus of people who feel the need to tell everyone that they can't possibly figure out why anyone would want to do such a thing.

The chorus also seems to have definite ideas of how people who attempt speed records could better spend their time, in much the same way that people who don’t hike trails at all often think that long distance hikers would be much happier if they, say, bought a house, or drove a vehicle that wasn’t 22-years old, or, at the very least, showered more than once every 5 or 6 days.

So it goes without saying that none of us really understands what makes other people happy or why.  Or at least it went without saying right up until just a sentence ago, when I went ahead and said it anyway.

But the Night Hiking To Mars blog is nothing if not informative, and so we present to you the results of a survey we’re pretending to have done, in which we asked “speed hikers” what benefits they derive from hiking an entire trail in the time it takes me to eat a half gallon of ice cream at Pine Grove Furnace State Park.

The Top Ten Benefits Of Speed Hiking

#10: Getting to smell the roses at 4am, when their odor is less likely to be overpowered by hiker funk.

#9: Dramatic reduction in the number of times you’ll hear Wagon Wheel.

#8: On trail at both dusk AND dawn, thus increasing the number of Bigfoot encounters.

#7: Pink Blazers give up after half a day.

#6: Getting to hear the part where people say “Hike Your Own Hike, but . . .” and being out of earshot by the time they’re telling you what you’re doing wrong.

#5: Fewer hotel stays means more money to spend on whiskey and Honey Buns.

#4: Acquiring the knowledge of what it feels like to elevate your chafe game from a minor annoyance to a full blown medical condition that requires skin grafts and rehab.

#3: Quickly outpacing people who want to tell you all of the advantages of hammocking.

#2: Ability to annoy internet “hikers” without having to suffer the indignity of starting a gofundme campaign.

And finally:

#1: By the time the giardia symptoms appear, you’re already sitting on your toilet at home.


Dedicated with love to my very fast friends, some record setters and others just plain speedy, whom I support without understanding you at all -- Anish, Tatu Jo, Snorkel, Trauma, Swami, Lint, and any other lunatics whom I'm forgetting.

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