Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Hikers Note Dramatic Increase Of Crusty Old Dudes Who Want To Tell Everyone Trail Used To Be Better

"If you're not carrying enough weight
to cause long-term damage, are
you really even hiking?"
Current-year Appalachian Trail hikers have reported a stunning increase in the number of old dudes who want everyone within earshot to know that the trail “used to be so much better than today.”  Whether it’s reminiscing fondly about objectively awful aspects of hiking twenty years ago, or waxing nostalgic for a time that didn’t really exist, large numbers of old dudes are on trail complaining that the trail experience now is easier/more crowded/less meaningful/full of people younger than them.

“Yeah, I mean, I guess they’ve always been out here,” says Chris “AT Bozo” Kounkel, “but I used to maybe bump into one once a week.  Now every day there’s someone in a shelter pointing out that if you wanted tuna back then you had to carry cans of it, and how he once set a picnic table on fire when his over-pressurized Whisperlite International exploded.”

“Fishn’GaMe” from Connecticut, a current year hiker, agrees. “Yep.  Old dudes are out there in droves, all complaining about how crowded the trail is.  The weird thing to me is how none of them seem to make the connection between the 80-pound packs they brag about carrying in the ‘90s, and the stress fractures in both feet they complain about having in the ‘90s.”

"Even the damn privies are overcrowded."
One of the contentious issues for old dudes is cell phones and connectivity. “I can appreciate the idea of disconnecting and immersing yourself in nature,” says David “Sarcasm The Elf” Vitti, “but one old dude described having to wait in line back in the day at the pay phone in Damascus to make a two minute call home, with people behind him in line grumbling for him to hurry it up.  To me that sounds like fantasy camp for people who like prison, but whatever.  Later that night he made a 45 minute call to his grandkids with his flip phone on speaker.”

"Even the damn weather is worse than it used to be."

“And feeds, man, don’t get them started on feeds,” says “Breeze” from Florida.  “I rolled up on one with a hiker named ODB and had to listen to him harangue everyone for ten minutes about how much better it was when nobody did nice things for anyone.  There was something about self-sufficiency in there at the end, but it was hard to understand with all of the hot dogs he had crammed in his face.”

"And these damn kids won't get off of my lawn."
Regardless of what old dudes are comparing, one thing is clear: the trail used to be much, much better.  “Yeah, I’ve been told the trail was awesome at some vaguely defined period in the past, and now it apparently kind of sucks,” says newcomer “Walkingstick” of Crossville, TN.  “Which is sort of irrelevant to me, because I have no basis for comparison.  But when every story about the abundance of shuttles ruining the necessity of hitching includes the phrase, ‘I didn’t realize how drunk he was until I was in the car,‘ well, it makes me kind of happy I’m hiking now.”



Note: this is, of course, satire, and I have taken liberty with the facts.  In reality, all of the old dudes who want to tell everyone that the trail used to be much better are online rather than on trail.  







19 comments:

  1. More of the excellence I have come to expect from you - even if you are an old dude now :p (and no comments on my own age from the peanut gallery!) I look forward to these more than you know!

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  2. I'm 68 and couldn't agree more with the writer's topic. You should get on the WB forum and listen to some of these guys.

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  3. What a great article. As oldies need to learn that experiences today are just as good as 20 years ago... just differant. Strange how as oldies embrace the new to make our walk a little easier

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  4. Yeah, I really miss the 40 pound canvas tents and the rain coming through the bottom soaking my sleeping bag. Much prefer todays improvements.

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  5. I miss the 90 pound external frame pack I hauled up the Smokies. This new ultralight pack I bought really sucks. It just does not rain like it once did. These damned kids have no sense of what they missed with 10 pound boots and exploding SVEA 123's.

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  6. I prefer to not talk to people. It's why I get out there. But I will say this. Thank an old dude or dudette. They are why we have that at every other trail. Each generation keeps it for the next. It's why you're not hiking through oil fields and strip mines.

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  7. Great post! Can't say I miss carrying half my body weight. Nor that wonderful 60-40 parka that soaked through after an hour in the rain and didn't dry out for days.

    But I might agree with the old dudes about connectivity :D And overall, it doesn't matter, because I'm looking for trails where there are no shelters and no crowds.

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  8. This basically describes the White Blaze forums.

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  9. um...nothing worse than an ill-informed blow-hard. But plenty of people have done tarp-camping with thin, summer-weight sleeping bags since......the 19th Century.... A sub-20-pound load for backpacking is nothing new.

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  10. I'm 71 and still able to get out there thanks to the lighter gear. The youngsters whiz past me. Sometimes the same ones for several days in a row.

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  11. Generational gap among 2018 hikers? Yes. Perfect. As one should expect. Hiking is ONE of the thousands of social activities as to which youngsters and oldies have different appreciations. Differences nourish. Nothing negative in that.

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  12. The old can teach us nothing! The trail is better now because it is thronged with long-talkers, infomercial film makers, and petty profiteers that fill the otherwise solitudinous silence of nature with their constant irrelevant observations and personal ejaculations. Thank you for this refreshing ageist perspective. Keep up the good in-crowd v out-crowd work and thanks for establishing a society slap on the spot set aside specifically to be a place away from society. We bask in the glow of your wit, charm, and pithy insights o' bearded and thus wise one. Publish this I dare you!

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    1. Just noticed this comment is still up. I guess I dared.

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  13. Great! Loved it as a fellow "old" dudette hiker of 61! It made me laugh...something we all need every day. Some young, whippersnapper hiker posted it on one of my AT thru-hiking group pages. Glad they did. It was an enjoyable read. Hike on!

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  14. EVERYTHING used to be better!!! Elvis Trailsley, AT 4000-Miler: 1975 and 2000.

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