FSI: From The Skin In (Rough Draft -- DO NOT PUBLISH!)

(Editor’s note:Please see me before this draft is published.  Associating ourselves with dead lunatics might not be in our best interests.)

It was not that long ago that backpackers struggled under the weight of enormous expedition-style packs, packs designed to carry so much weight that it was not unusual to find hikers in the woods carrying five-pound tents, stoves actually made by stove manufacturers, and even entire Tom Clancy novels.

1990s Era Backpack

But with the emergence of the idea that a backpacking trip didn’t have to end with your orthopedic surgeon owning a beach house came the popularity of “Lightweight Gear,” followed by waves of successively lighter gear setups: “Ultralight,” “Ultra-Ultra-Light,” and “Ultra-Ultra-Seriously-All-I’m-Carrying-Is-A-Spoon-Can-I-Borrow-Some-BodyGlide-Light.”

We’re quickly, however, reaching the point where lighter and lighter gear isn’t enough anymore, and people are so desperate to save weight they are now willing to buy products manufactured with fabric made from actual Cuban people.

(Editor’s note: Check source on the above -- doesn’t sound right.)

As hikers and backpackers search desperately for more and newer ways to get their packweight as close to zero as possible, I think it may be time to reintroduce a concept that was perhaps ahead of its time, an idea that I was reminded of when long distance hiker Jason “Totally Different Subject” Bivin told me how delighted he was with his prosthetic foot because it “weighs something like six ounces less than the real one they cut off.”

Jason "TDS" Bivens, left, post-FSI Upgrade.

I am, of course, talking about FSI, or “From The Skin In.”

Some of you may recall that “From The Skin In” was a concept introduced in 1995 by Lester Zemons in his Not-Even-Close-To-Bestselling book “Why You Probably Suck At Backpacking.”  To Lester, living in an era before trail runners, carbon fiber tent poles and titanium sporks, removing parts of your body to reduce the impact on knees and ankles made perfect sense.  But a number of factors conspired to keep Lester’s ideas from gaining traction.  Surgery was expensive. Sewing your own tarp sounded slightly less painful than an invasive procedure to remove your tailbone.  And Lester Zemons was kind of a jerk.

So it wasn’t a surprise that “Why You Probably Suck At Backpacking” was a critically unacclaimed failure, with one reviewer saying, “every once in a while you come across a book of inspired genius, with ideas you describe as ‘so crazy they just might work.’  This is not that book.”

Billville Press, 1995

Lester died in 2008 following single eyeball removal surgery, when a lack of stereoscopic vision caused him to walk in front of Mount Washington’s Cog Railway Train.  Later, while recovering, his lack of pinkie toes caused him to fall down the steps of the Tip Top House, breaking his neck.  Lester spent the last thirteen years of his life convinced that his book and ideas were overshadowed by the 1996 release of Ray Jardine’s Pacific Crest Trail Hiker’s Handbook, so much so that his last word are reported to have been, “an umbrella?  Really?”

Five years after Lester’s death we’ve reached the point where cutting even more handle off a toothbrush just isn’t possible, and many are already carrying a shelter that doesn’t protect from the elements whatsoever because “seriously, can you believe this?  It only weighs four ounces.”  And since ultramarathoner Marshall Ulrich and long distance hiker Nimblewill Nomad have both had their toenails permanently removed, getting rid of body parts seems like the next step for those who are truly serious about lightening their loads.

(Editor’s note: I don’t think that’s why they did that.)

Says long distance hiker and FSI proponent Kevin “Fester” Gallagher: “Three feet of lower intestine weigh about four pounds and you have tons of it to spare. That's like four Hexamid tarp tents sloshing around inside of you!  Would you carry four extra tents?  No?  Then why are you?  It's time to think FSI.”

So off I went to my doctor, Dr. Paul Fowler, to see about having my philtrum removed, which, it turns out, doesn’t result in any weight savings.  So next on my list was my spleen.  Because how important can it be if I have no idea what it does?

Supposedly there's a spleen in here somewhere.
Alternately this might be a pair of ski goggles made out of meat.

Here’s how the conversation went:
“That’s a terrible idea.”

Repeated subsequent conversations and phone calls ended with what I considered to be equally vague “opinions” from him, but I think that if not for the restraining order he would have eventually come around to my point of view and operated.

(Editor’s note: have received your lawyer’s bills regarding this.  We will not reimburse.)

So for now I remain full of spleen, which is weighing me down by anywhere from five ounces to 12 pounds, depending on who you ask and what it actually is.  I’m currently considering other possibilities and less scrupulous doctors.

And I would encourage all of my readers to consider your FSI options.  Appendix, tonsils, male breast tissue & nipples, wisdom teeth, fingernails, pinkies.  I mean, you’ve got an extra kidney.  An extra!  That’s a quarter of a pound you’re hauling around for no reason!  And let’s not forget that they’re doing incredible things with titanium bone replacements these days.  Start cutting useless pounds -- pounds! -- from your body's baseweight, and get out on the trail lighter and happier!

(Editor’s note: remove last paragraph -- opens us up to possible legal action.  Let's not have a repeat of The Leki Pole Incident.)

Thanks to Charles Chesnutt and Kevin Gallagher for their help with this article.  The quote from Jason “Totally Different Subject” Bivin is an actual quote, just in case you're wondering.