Wednesday, January 13, 2016

"Wild" Debates On The PCT (Part 3): Sharing The Trail

The Pacific Crest Trail is a National Scenic Trail that stretches approximately 2,650 miles from Mexico to Canada through California, the State of Jefferson, Oregon, and Washington.  Previous entries in this series have focused on overcrowding issues related only to hikers; Part One of this series focused on hikers carrying large pieces of furniture on the PCT, and in Part Two we looked at the contoversy surrounding caches of office supplies.


But as the 2016 hiking season approaches, a vocal group of “Share The Trail” advocates is once again pushing for access to the Pacific Crest Trail, hoping to open the trail to uses beyond hiking and horse-packing.  Which brings us to the subject of part three of this series: sharing the trail with NASCAR drivers.

Proponents of the status quo believe that In order to continue to protect the trail as a resource and to provide a safe and unique recreation experience for the primary users – hikers and equestrians -- other forms of outdoor activities must be banned.

But if NASCAR enthusiasts have their way, that will soon change.  “Our mission is simple,” says Kyle Busch fan Kevin Gallagher, “we hope to join the PCT community . . . as with other dedicated members of the PCT community, our primary goal is to protect, preserve and promote the PCT in homage to its world-class significance, for the enjoyment, education and adventure of hikers, equestrians and stockcar racers alike.”*

People who drive stockcars and their fans feel that they have been unjustifiably excluded not just from the trail, but also from the process of deciding who gets to use it, and have expressed their frustration via social media: 

"The damage to the ground is done by the trail builders . . . everything after that is negligible."* -- Wendi Merritt
 


 


The NASCAR Perspective

A number of arguments have been put forth by racing fans to justify a change in the rules.  Some claim that historically, NASCAR was a part of the trail.  “Prior to 1988, there were stockcars all over the place legally, and there was never a problem,” says Denny Hamlin fan David Vitti.  “Admittedly, there’s no real evidence to back up those claims, but I do have a nice black and white photo of a group of NASCAR enthusiasts on the PCT in Oregon, so there’s that.”

A nice black and white photo of a group of NASCAR enthusiasts
on the PCT in Oregon

Others point out that stockcars create less impact than backpackers or equestrians.
As Kevin Harvick fan Steve Cain points out, “regarding impacts, a NASCAR driver passing through on an all-day type of drive isn't usually setting up camp, collecting wood for a campfire, rinsing off in a stream or lake, etc . . . I think it is safe to say an overnight backpacker absolutely has more environmental impact than a racecar driver.  And don’t even get me started on horse poop.”*

Even if there is some impact, NASCAR fans insist that the number of added trail volunteers would more than make up for any impact.  "There are 75 Million Nascar fans in this country," says Matt Kenseth fan Kelly Dewire, "Imagine the thousands of man hours that would pour into trail maintenance on the PCT if stockcar drivers could use it."*

But ultimately, most of the arguments revolve around sharing a tax-payer funded trail.
“Hikers will say just about anything (true or not, mostly not) to justify their exclusionary views,” says Kasey Kahne fan J. Chad Kinsey, “this is all about rationalizing the fact that they won't share a taxpayer funded trail (apparently to the tune of $1.8m/year for the PCTA . . . ) with newcomers.”*

The Hiker Perspective

Sharing the trail.  What could go wrong?
For many, safety is the number one concern.  According to Michael Gaither, “um, I really don’t want to be run over by a car again.  I don’t even want to be almost run over.  In fact, I kind of go hiking on trails specifically so I won’t be nearly run over by cars."

But is that a good enough reason to limit access?  Not for Jimmie Johnson fan Harold Frederick, as long as the drivers’ intentions are good.  “Drivers NEED to be conscientious, but 'nearly's' and 'almosts' are no reason to prohibit stockcars anywhere. We'll wager that not one driver has tried to startle, scare or injure other trail users.*  In any case, 2015 NASCAR rules required a horsepower reduction from 850 to 725 AND a smaller spoiler.  Which means that if you do get hit by a car, it’ll be going 3-4mph slower than it would have under the old rules.  So stop being whiners.”



For others, even with those changes, the trail is simply not the place for racing.  “No one is being excluded from enjoying the trail,” says Kolby “Condor” Kirk.  “NASCAR enthusiasts are free to enjoy the trail, as long as they leave their cars at home.  Or at the trailhead.  Whatever.  But the fact that it’s public land simply does not mean that everyone gets to do whatever they want on it.”

Gregory “Dartman” Schley agrees.  “I used to think that tax-payer funding meant that I was allowed to do whatever I wanted to on public land.  But from personal experience I can tell you that’s not the case.  Or at least the Secret Service violently disagreed with my viewpoint when I went nude sunbathing in the White House Rose Garden.  Honestly, the only good thing about that was that the strip search went pretty fast.”

This slope may or may not be slippery.
Brian “Too Obtuse” Kelly is worried about the potential slippery slope.  “One concern is that once you accept the proposition that every public space is open to any use, the same argument can be used to justify any activity -- hang gliding, snowmobiling, motocross, accordion playing.  Stockcar racers don’t seem to recognize that.  Another concern is that, despite what they say, NASCAR fans won’t be satisfied with limited access to certain parts of the trail.  Which means that eventually even Wilderness areas will be overrun with racecars.



Not true, says Greg Biffle fan Shelly Skye.  “Listen, nobody wants accordion players on the PCT.  Some people may think that our argument would open the floodgates to other uses, but in the fantasy world we live in nobody but us wants to do whatever they want wherever they want.  And should we be wrong about that, we’ll dramatically rethink our 'Share The Trail' philosophy.”
 

“As for complete access, we don't seek access to every mile of every trail at all times. What we'll seek is reasonable access. That means in crowded areas we'd work with local land managers and other trail users to allow stockcars only on certain days of the week or even separate trails in some places.  And we have no plans to expand our access into Wilderness areas.”*



When asked if that entire last paragraph was a bald-faced lie, Skye said "absolutely."

"Does anyone really think that we’ll be satisfied once we get SOME access?  Have those people ever read If You Give A Mouse A Cookie?  Six year olds know that’s not how human nature works.  Good lord.  Grow up.”

NASCAR fans are fired up about PCT access.

It’s hard to say how or if this debate will end, or even whether or not I just made it all up.  But for now, trail managers seem to be taking a respectful yet firm stance:


“In tandem with our primary partner in the management of the PCT – the US Forest Service – we are committed to working within the Partnership for the National Trails System on developing a meaningful dialogue around the NASCAR issue.  We feel it’s imperative that this conversation be civil, thoughtful and deliberate.  But ultimately, who are we kidding?  It’ll happen over our dead bodies.”


*Note: all quotes with asterisks are real, as are the quotes in the social media images -- they just come from a non-NASCAR version of "Share The Trail" proponents.  The quotes are real but the names are fake, and I have substituted in the appropriate NASCAR-related words.

Thank you to all of the folks who allowed me to attach their names to quotes for this article!

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Night Hiking To Mars Best Of 2015

It has recently become apparent to us here at Night Hiking To Mars that just about every other hiking and outdoor online “news source” puts out a year-end “Best Of” article.



We now think that we’ve done a disservice to the eight people who read this blog by not having our own annual swaggering, self-high-fiving post, considering that we’ve been putting out what is arguably the best online source for outdoor news that probably hasn’t actually happened.

In addition, it occurs to us that an article about our best articles not only requires almost no work on our part, but also allows us to celebrate ourselves in a way that might otherwise come across as unseemly braggadocio.


Some might say that maybe we should leave it to others to judge the quality and impact of what we’ve written.  But can we really trust other people to have good taste?  To be discerning?  To use the royal “we” when referring to the one person who writes these articles?  In this day and age, we say no.

And even if others were capable of all of that, would they highlight the fact that the article appeared in Night Hiking To Mars?  Would they make it clear that the Night Hiking To Mars Blog is always the most important part of the story?  Considering how infrequently anyone gives us credit on Instagram, Facebook, or the internet generally for the naked photos of us running amuck in a Jiffy Lube, we again say no.
  


So treat yourself.
Sit back, grab a drink, and bask in the awesomeness that was Night Hiking To Mars in 2015 (oh, and make sure to click on all of the links, thus increasing our page views without us really doing anything new at all).  Enjoy!


#5 “Wild” Debates About PCT Overcrowding (Parts One And Two)
Unique for being a three-part series with only two parts, “Wild” Debates About PCT Overcrowding looked at concerns created by a combination of the release of the movie Wild and people sitting around all winter with nothing better to worry about.  Part One focused on people carrying furniture with them while thru-hiking.  Part Two involved caches of office supplies littering the trail.  Neither one of these concerns seems to have had an actual impact on the trail last season, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t time to panic.


#4  Appalachian Trail: The Sheltered Life
A Guide to sharing space, time, and mice at Appalachian Trail shelters that can best be summed up
by the following: practice LNT, try not to be annoying, bring earplugs.  But there’s more in there, so you should definitely read it -- otherwise, you’ll be unaware of the circumstances under which other hikers might try to eat your dog.



#3 "Bear Selfie" Issue Spreads To The Continental Divide Trail
Bear Selfies are viewed as an increasing problem by land managers worried about the potential for attacks.  This article examines the phenomenon, looks at why Forest Service warnings aren’t working, and asks the question, “where are these bears getting selfie sticks?”


#2 Hiker Claims Fastest Known Time For "Twiple Crown"
Night Hiking To Mars interviews the new Fastest Known Time holder of what is arguably the most prestigious speed record for hiking trail widths in the country.
Which is definitely a thing and not something we just made up.


#1 Night Hiking To Mars Best of 2015
The top spot, as you can imagine, is held by the article about the top articles of 2015.  How could it not be?  It’s literally an article about the best articles.  Sure, the Apple Cake one was useful, and the calendar one was kind of clever, and the A.T. Training one recommended eating Gold Bond, which is probably legally actionable.



But this is the “Best Of” Article.  By its very nature it has to be the best.  You should click on the link and read it again, and then again, and then again.  And we’d say that you should really go on and do this endlessly, like you’re trapped in an M.C. Escher painting or an online argument about tents vs. hammocks, except that you should at least pause and share this article with your friends.  Because, as we think we’ve already mentioned, it’s the best.

Note: Thanks to everyone who helped with the articles this year!  More to come in 2016!


Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Hiker Claims Fastest Known Time For "Twiple Crown"


Shane “Jester” O’Donnell has hiked the AT (twice), LT, PCT, JMT, and CDT.  He’s a co-holder of the record for highest altitude Twister game, and was recently voted the AT Class of 2015’s “Most Likely To Be Wearing A Completely Different Outfit The Next Time You See Him” AND “Most Likely To Tell You How Seriously, Seriously Awesome He Is.  No, Seriously.”  Recently, he claimed a Fastest Known Time (FKT) for what he calls “The Twiple Crown.”  Night Hiking To Mars recently sat down with Jester for an interview about his latest record setting feat.

Jester completing the Twiple Crown

NHTM: Welcome!
Jester: Thanks!  Great to be here!

NHTM: First of all, tell us . . .
Jester: No snacks?
NHTM: What?

Jester: There aren’t any snacks?  At all?

NHTM: No.
Jester: Bummer.  I sort of assumed there’d be snacks.

NHTM: Right.  Well, first of all, tell us about “The Twiple Crown.”
Jester: Sure.  “The Twiple Crown” involves hiking the entire widths of the Appalachian Trail, Pacific Crest Trail, and the Continental Divide Trail.  There are a couple of hundred people who have hiked the entire lengths of these trails, but not nearly as many who have hiked the widths.  And in my case, I did it in record time.

Taking a brief nap after crossing the PCT
NHTM: Tell us more about that record attempt.

Jester: Right, well, my speed record attempt for the Twiple Crown started at the Anderson’s house in Green Valley on December 7th.  I left late in the morning and got to the trail crossing at San Francisquito Canyon Road at 11am, where I walked the width of the PCT.  By the next morning I was in Lordsburg, New Mexico and walked across the CDT near the fireworks place.  From there it was a little more than 1800 miles to the AT crossing at I-40, where I got off the highway, walked the width of the AT, and then went to Standing Bear Farm and had a beer with Baltimore Jack.  Total time: 3 days, 6 hours, 35 minutes.  Not including the beer part.
Crossing the CDT in Lordsburg, NM

NHTM: We contacted Jackie “Yogi” McDonnell, a Triple Crowner and the author of guidebooks for the PCT, CDT, and Colorado Trail, and asked her about the Twiple Crown.  Her response was, and I quote, “That is absolutely not a thing.  At all.”  What do you have to say to that?
Jester: Well I’ve got this hat that says it’s a thing.



NHTM: That’s a Triple Crown hat with a “W” written on a piece of duct tape covering the “R” in "Triple."
Jester: Look, let’s not get into what the hat is or isn’t.  The point isn't the hat.  The point is, there are people who stick to walking the lengths of established trails, and hey -- that’s great.  But for some of us, we’re pushing boundaries.  Creating new experiences.  I mean, was High-Altitude Twister “a thing” before I set the record for that?  Of course not.  But now it is.

NHTM:  We asked Yogi about High-Altitude Twister, too.  She said, “also not a thing.”
Jester: Well, I think that just proves my point.  Some people stick to the adventures people have already done.  I attempt the adventures that nobody’s even thought of because they don’t make any sense.  I’m like Andrew Skurka, but without the National Geographic article, attention span, or fitness level.

High Altitude Twister may or may not be a thing.

NHTM: Speaking of fitness, how did you train for the attempt?

Jester: I’m pretty well known for not doing any physical training at all, but since this was for a record I had to hit the ground running.  So I decided to prepare for this attempt by thru-hiking the Appalachian Trail, which kind of turned out to be overkill since the Twiple Crown involves about six feet of walking.

NHTM:  And you met Heather “Anish” Anderson while you were on your thru-hike.

Jester: I did!  It was just south of Pinkham Notch.  When I told her about my plan to set a record for the Twiple Crown she said, “that’s so dumb it’s amazing.”  And I have to tell you, to have a hiker of Anish’s caliber tell you that something you’re planning is amazing  is just incredible.  It’s really inspiring and motivating.
Training with near Anish.

NHTM: What were the keys to your success on this attempt?
Jester: Planning.  Gas money.  My focus.  Definitely my focus . . . hey, are those snacks?

NHTM: No, that’s a bowl of fake fruit.

Jester: Wow. They look totally real.

A very old thing.  In front of a dinosaur.
NHTM: You were saying, about your focus . . .
Jester: Right!  The Focus.  Only it’s not a Focus.  It’s a Ranger, a 1992 Ford Ranger, and with over 256,000 on the odometer it has almost as many miles as Cam “Swami” Honan.  I definitely couldn’t have done this without my truck.  I’d also like to thank my sponsors, all of whom asked not to be named.
NHTM: Because?

Jester: Something about “not wanting to be associated with this record.”

NHTM: Understandable.  Do you think anyone can break it?

Jester:  Sure.  It's probably easier East to West because of the time changes.  And staying on I-40 the entire time and hiking the width of the CDT in Grants would probably cut off some time.  But I think you're asking, "can anyone break it?" when the better question is, “why would anyone want to?”

NHTM: True, true.  People who attempt speed records say it can be an emotional rollercoaster.  Did you feel like that?

Jester:  Only a couple of times.  In Texas I had a brief moment of terror when I thought a semi was coming right for me, but it turned out to be a truck towing another truck backwards.  I hate that.  And the night before I finished I was sleeping in my truck fifty miles west of Memphis and thought, “I’m in a country song right now,” which as you can imagine is depressing.  But in the morning I got up, took my pants off, and got back on the road.  504 miles of driving and two feet of walking later and I had the record.  It was exhilarating.
  
A brief moment of terror

NHTM: It must have been.  What are you going to do next?
Jester: Well, considering the snack situation around here I’m definitely going to have lunch.

NHTM: But after that?  Any plans?

Jester: Not sure.  I heard a rumor that the Appalachian Trail is going to be 0.1 miles shorter in 2016, which might give me just the edge I need to beat Anish’s Self-Supported Record.  So maybe that.  Hard to say.  But whatever it is, it’ll be seriously, seriously awesome.

FKT For The Twiple Crown!

Note: After this interview we contacted Heather “Anish” Anderson about the possibility of Jester beating her record.  Her response was, “He said that?  Really?  HahahAhaHaHahAhaHAhaha!  Oh God!  HAhaHahAhaHAhahaHAHA!  Oh, man.  Heeheehee. That made my day.  Wow.”


Wednesday, September 30, 2015

How To Help Jester Love Backpacking

If you take Jester hiking, you're going to
have to put up with a certain amount of bunny
ear.  Metaphorically speaking.
Every four years or so Shane O'Donnell (AKA Jester) forgets that he doesn’t really like backpacking and decides to do it for five months straight.  But perhaps you want to take Jester backpacking for just a few days, although it’s difficult to say why you would think that’s a good idea.  Maybe you like watching people fall down in unique and comical ways?  Not sure.  Anyway.
If you’re considering taking Jester on a trip, follow this advice to ensure you continue to love backpacking.



Don’t be a teacher or a guide.  Be a hiking partner.  A really, really tolerant hiking partner.
Be on your best, super-considerate behavior to make sure Jester has a good time, and also because you are not a jerk.  But curb your instinct to do everything for him, because he’s lazy and will totally let you.  And that will eventually annoy the crap out of you, making it difficult to be super-considerate.

Don't buy his argument that the silly things he's carrying
are the lightest versions of those silly things.
Get involved with gear.
Help Jester pack.  Definitely.  If he packs his own backpack he’ll end up bringing half of the stuff he needs and all of the stuff he doesn’t.  While making sure he’s carrying what he should you can screen out the random extras -- on past unsupervised hikes he’s brought a kite, a Twister mat, various stuffed animals, bunny ears, water guns, glow sticks, Hawaiian shirts, a frisbee, and ridiculous amounts of camera equipment.  Including a tripod.  He once carried an actual license plate he found for about 200 miles.  And let’s not even discuss the 4.25 pound Wizard statue.
I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point -- nothing ruins a trip like a too-heavy load that includes a magic kit and a Chuck Norris poster but no cookpot.

Pick your spot well.
Choose a satisfying destination (hot tub, massage therapist’s office, fast food restaurant, etc.), because for Jester the journey is the destination, unless there’s a McDonalds nearby -- in which case the McDonalds is the destination.  Once you’ve got that nailed down, don’t worry about the mileage.  Jester will walk all damn day if there are 30 Chicken McNuggets at the end of the hike.

"The journey of a thousand calories begins with a single McNugget."

Hog the map and compass.
Jester is easily confused and honestly can’t navigate for crap.  He’s gotten lost on trails that blind people have successfully hiked.  He’s gotten lost in towns.  Not cities, towns.  And maybe you can understand that when it happens in Ashland, Oregon, but he’s gotten lost in East Glacier, Montana, which has a total area of less than five square miles and something like six streets. 
So it’s important to make sure he’s never involved in doing any real navigating, but on the other hand he likes to believe he’s in on the decision making.
So let him carry a map.
But not the actual map of where you actually are, because you may need that and he’ll probably just lose it.  Give him a map of a random National Park, or the I-95 corridor, or Barrow, Alaska.  It’s not like he’ll know the difference.

If you do get lost, do not let Jester become aware of it.
It's difficult to concentrate when someone is suggesting
cannibalism every five minutes.

Plan a mouth-watering menu.
Jester should not be involved in meal planning on any level.  If left to his own devices, he’ll only pack cheese, mayonnaise, and gummi worms.
It might be tempting to just buy a bunch of Mountain House meals and call it a day, but if you’ve ever been around Jester after he’s eaten Mountain House Chili Mac With Beef, you know that’s a terrible idea.  And by “after” I mean “for the following 72 hours.”
The problem here is that the trail food Jester likes to eat makes him revoltingly gassy, so you’re faced with the following connundrum: if you don’t bring food he likes he’ll complain the entire time, but if you do bring food he likes YOU’LL complain the entire time.
Don’t know what to tell you.  Bring whatever food you want.  Plus earplugs and a noseclip.  And don’t share a tent with him.

Keep him involved in camp chores.
But not, you know, any important ones.
Whatever you do, DO NOT TRY TO TEACH HIM TO LIGHT THE CAMP STOVE.  He’s already come close to starting a wildfire in a windfarm and he definitely set fire to a tent in the 100 Mile Wilderness.  And destroyed the stove.
Don’t have him help you hang the bear bag, either -- 42 percent of people who do end up being hit in the head with a rock tied to a rope.  Even if he’s not doing that on purpose (and he might be), do you really want to play those odds?
Ideally you should pick a simple chore where it will be difficult for him to hurt anyone or damage any gear.
You could have him blow up the sleeping pads, which, amazingly, will not prevent him from talking.  Or have him collect deadfall for a campfire you’re not really planning on having.  Or ask him to locate the privy, recognizing that you may never, ever see him again.

Don’t take any of it too seriously.
Lord knows he’s not going to.


Note: This is a parody of a real article in Backpacker Magazine entitled, “How To Help Your Girlfriend Love Backpacking,” which a number of my female backpacking friends have found more than a little insulting -- it includes advice such as, “let her hold the map” and “teach her to light the camp stove.”  Perhaps it would seem less condescending if framed in a gender-neutral way?  Dunno.  But I decided to take the opportunity to poke some fun at both the article and myself.  Hopefully I’ve done my job well and it’s funny even if you haven't read the original.



I should also note that unlike most of the articles on this blog, just about everything mentioned in this one is true, although some of it is slightly exaggerated (but only slightly)(and only some of it).



Monday, September 21, 2015

"Bear Selfie" Issue Spreads To The Continental Divide Trail


Bear Selfies are raising concerns about safety on the CDT

On August 28th, 2015, Waterton Canyon, a popular park in Denver, Colorado, was closed due in part to problems with Bear Selfies.  And recently, the U.S. Forest Service's Lake Tahoe Basin Management Unit has issued warnings regarding Bear Selfies, noting that “it is presenting a safety issue.  We are afraid someone is going to get attacked.”

And now "Bear Selfies" are becoming an issue on the Continental Divide Trail.

In the past, encounters with Grizzlies along the CDT in Wyoming and Montana have been rare, and photos few and far between.  But that’s changed recently, and the proof is appearing on social media.


“I get out on the CDT a lot and yeah, they’re showing up, getting some hikers in the background, snapping a few shots,” says hiker Paul “Mags” Magnanti, “I have no idea why they think this is a good idea.  It’s weird.  Really, really weird.”



Bears taking selfies have been spotted as far south as the Wind River Range

Weird perhaps, but definitely dangerous, according to CDTC Trail Information Assistant Liz Thomas:
  “The fact that these bears are comfortable enough around humans to not only approach that close but to turn their backs on them?  These are bears that have become dangerously habituated to humans.  And Facebook and Twitter and Instagram.”

A bear violating the number one safety rule for animals:
NEVER turn your back on humans
Despite multiple warnings issued by the Forest Service, the bears continue to put themselves in dangerous situations.  “Honestly, you can warn the bears all you want about the possibility of serious injury or death if they get too close,” says spokesperson Scott Glenn, “but ultimately it doesn’t seem to matter.  They’re going to do whatever they want, because they’re bears.

Also, it turns out they apparently don’t  understand English and can't read signs.”




When asked about the possibility of closing the trail, CDTC Managing Director Teresa Martinez noted, “attempting to close the entire trail in two states would be a logistical nightmare and a last resort, and we’re really hoping the bears will just wise up and knock it off.  In the meantime, we’re honestly trying to figure out how bears this dumb could afford smart phones and selfie sticks.”



At least they're not Bear Instagram Food Photos.  Yet.

Note: As usual, the names are real but the quotes are fake.  Thanks to all those who gave me permission to use their names for these articles!

Friday, September 11, 2015

Monday, March 16, 2015

Perhaps this is a woman you don't fully understand either . . .


This is just me being silly with a photo taken by Kolby Kirk.  He's doing a year-long hiking/nature/photography/art thing called "The Wilds Project," which involves hiking in all of Oregon's Wilderness Areas.  You can check it out here:

Friday, March 13, 2015

Trail Magic Recipes For Home: Jack's Apple Cake

My Mom (AKA "Jester's Mom") is well known in the hiking community as an excellent baker of all sorts of Trail Magic goodies.  The problem: normally, you have to do the work of actually hiking to benefit from this.  And who wants to do that?
Jester's Mom on the AT.


This is the second in a series of blog posts (see the first HERE) that will provide you with the ability to enjoy Trail Magic baked goods from the comfort of your couch, your bed, or even the floor, should your hiking lifestyle put you in the position of not being able to afford furniture.  Or maybe you'll make a cake and drive to the nearest trail to give some out to hikers, only to discover that you've eaten three-quarters of it on the way there.

This recipe is named "Jack's Apple Cake" not because Baltimore Jack Tarlin has anything to do with the recipe or the baking of the cakeIt isn't even named after him because I mention bourbon in the recipe.  It's called "Jack's Apple Cake" because if you take one anywhere within a quarter-mile of Jack it will most likely disappear, never to be seen again.

Jack's Apple Cake  
Makes: A Big Heavy Cake
 

Prep Time: 40 minutes (preparing apples is a pain)
Cook Time: 1-1/2 to 1-3/4 hours


Ingredients:
6-7 large apples (Rome, Stayman, or Granny Smith) 

3/4 cup sugar
1 tsp cinnamon

4 cups all-purpose flour
2 cups sugar
1 tsp salt
4 tsp baking powder
1 cup orange juice
4 eggs
1 cup cooking oil
non-stick spray

 

What else you will need:
Sifter, large mixing bowl, small bowl, mixer, tube pan, apple slicer/corer, 1 bottle Bourbon.


Directions:

1. Pour yourself a glass of bourbon.  You’ll want it after doing all of the work on the apples.
2. Peel, core, and slice the apples.  Split them into two even amounts.
2a. Have some bourbon.  You earned it. 
3. Mix the sugar and cinnamon together in a small bowl, set aside.
4. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
5. Combine flour, sugar, salt, baking powder and sift into a mixing bowl.  Make a well in the center, like digging a cathole.  Okay, that was gross.  Don’t think of it like that. 
6. Into the well, add the orange juice, eggs, and oil.  Beat well with the mixer.
7. Spray a tube pan with non-stick spray and then pour half of the batter into it.  Spread half of the apple slices over it and sprinkle with half of the cinnamon/sugar mixture.
8. Cover with the rest of the batter, top with the remaining apples, sprinkle with the remaining sugar.
9. Bake at 350 degrees for about 1-1/2 hours until cake is done.  It sometimes takes a little longer, maybe another 15 minutes.  But starting at 1-1/2 hours you should occasionally poke it with a knife or something to test it.  If the knife comes out clean it’s done.  If blood pours out of the cake, you have spectacularly screwed up the recipe.  Maybe lay off the bourbon next time.

What Jack's Apple Cake looks like two minutes
after receiving one in the mail and five
minutes before it's completely gone.