Ask A Thru-Hiker: Lint's Favorite Gear

Wes Ratko on the AT.

Once again it’s time for another installment in our ongoing series, “Ask A Thru-Hiker!”  Today’s question comes from Wes Ratko, a beginning hiker who loves the outdoors.  “I have been known,” claims Wes, “to walk all the way to the train station, even in a light rain.”

Our Thru-Hiker today is Lint, a Triple-Triple Crowner who has also hiked the Ice Age Trail, the Colorado Trail, the Arizona Trail, and the Florida Trail, and currently holds the record for Yo-Yo section hikes on the Appalachian Trail in Duncannon from The Cabin Strip Club to the Perry County Beer Distributor and back (143).

Lint's CDT Map: "Just because you have to carry the ink
doesn't mean you have to carry the paper."

Lint is known for his dedication to the lightweight backpacking ethos, so much so that he now uses maps tattooed to his body instead of the cumbersome paper versions or those found on heavy electronic devices

Today’s question from Wes for our Thru-Hiker: “What’s your favorite piece of gear?”

Says Lint: “I know it might come as a surprise to people who think of me as a lightweight hiker, but my favorite piece of gear is my car door.  Sure, a car door is heavy, but I’ve modified mine and stripped it down so that it comes in at a manageable 47 pounds.  And it’s such a versatile multi-use piece of gear that I think the weight is more than justified.”

Lint With His Backpacking Car Door

How does Lint use the door?

“Well, you know, the obvious things.  When it’s really hot out I roll the window down.  And when it’s really buggy out I roll the window up.  Cold wind?  No problem with a car door, eliminating the need to carry a wind shirt or windstopper fleece.  But I’m always discovering new uses for the door -- on the PCT in ’09 the rear view mirror kept me from being stalked by mountain lions, and also allowed me to promptly get out of the way of hikers overtaking me.  Which happened quite often, because, you know, I was carrying a car door.”

Not only is it a mindblowingly useful piece of gear on trail, gear that some have called “the Swiss Army Knife of auto body parts” -- but a car door also comes in handy during town stops.

“There are times when the only ATM in town is a drive-thru.  And you can imagine the stares I used to get just standing there, waiting in line with a car door in front of me and a car door behind, and me right in the middle, no car door.  Ridiculous.  Same with ordering food at a Sonic -- NOT leaning through a car window to order is just weird, and when the girl on the rollerskates shows up, she has nothing to pass your food through.  And I also feel safer in towns -- every once in a while I find myself in a sketchy neighborhood, and I just casually lean over . . . and press the lock down with my elbow.” 

A hiker suffering the indignity of no car door in town.

For those interested in a car door, you can find them in the desert attached to cars in places that seem impossible for a car to have ended up.

Seriously.  How the hell did this get here?

And for those still concerned about the weight, Lint offers the following advice:

“First, don’t think about the weight of the door.  Think about the weight of all of the things you don’t have to carry when you’re carrying the door.  DEET, bear spray, a bear canister, wind protection, rain gear, heck, my window is tinted -- I don’t even need sunglasses.  Second, try to keep in mind that everything is relative, and I can tell you from experience that it’s a whole lot lighter than carrying the entire car.”

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Photo Credits --

Lint's Legs: Warner Springs Monty Tam

Lint w/Door: Chase Nelson

Lint w/Car: Ryan Weidert

With special thanks to Lint Hikes and Pea Hicks!

It's A Gas That Makes You Laugh Before It Kills You

The John Byrne Band

Embrace The Brutality

The Power Of Cheese

I’m reasonably confident that this will be the best blog article I’ll ever write.  Because it’s about cheese, and cheese brings out the best in everything.  And even if it’s only 10% as good as cheese, it’ll be pretty close to perfect. 

But before we get to the actual article, I think that we should take a look at some of the things I’ve previously written about what I have referred to as “my possibly illegal love of cheese”:

                                                                                                                                                                                         

CHEESE CHEESE CHEESE!!!!!!!!!!!

I loves me some cheese. Largest block you can carry out of town without causing stress fractures, say I.

Bigger lasts longer! Harder is better!

Cheese does not go bad!

Melty/Oily? Recombines at night!

Moldy oldy? Cut that part off and keep chomping!

One Pound blocks! Eaten like candy bars!

Bonus feature: no poopin' 'til the next time you hit town. . .

Cheese, baby! Sounds gouda to me! 

I have yet to meet a cheese I haven't liked immediately; with which I haven’t struck up a long, meaningful conversation and developed a deep, abiding relationship.

Cow, goat, sheep, cat, out of a can, on a nacho, with my breakfast, between my toes, on pasta, on stuffing, on Donner, on Blitzen!

With cheese!

Con queso!

Avec frommage!

Ag tigh cais! 

The only reason to cut cheese with a knife is if you're sharing it with someone, which is what I was thinking of in my post regarding what one needs a knife for. Unless you want to do a whole Lady and the Tramp thing, but with a big block of Sharp Vermont Cheddar. My god that's romantic. 

Combine cheese with everything. Anything. I can't stress it enough. CHEESE.

And don't just limit yourself to "flavoring food" with it. Flavor everything with it. Flavor your joys and sorrows with it. Flavor your Flav with it. Flavor your life with it! 

The author at the Cheese Monument.

I live in a world of cheese, all of it there for the taking. Cheese hanging from the trees, cheese raining from the sky. A world where cheese is an accepted form of currency, an appetizer, a meal, a way of life, an acceptable thing to wear to a formal occasion. Where you can love cheese as you wish, and it doesn't accuse you of being codependent.

A world of possibilities, all of them shot through with cheese. 

I have done my hajj to Vermont. I have bowed before an alter of delicious sharp cheddar, and then eaten it. I didn't have to go to the bathroom for four days.

Award winning?

Soul winning! 

I have been to the monument to cheese along the AT in Cheshire! I have leaned against it, filled with thoughts of cheese! I have gone to the post office across the street, taken a picture, and been drawn magnetically back to "the Big Cheese Monument." Intending to stay in town for a moment, I stayed for what felt a lifetime.

Then I went to the convenience store on the way out of town, and bought some cheese. 

                                                                                                                                                 

Okay.  We’ve set the mood.  Now on to the actual article!  But first, some historical facts about cheese that I will make up off the top of my head.  Did you know that:

The word “grieve” comes from Greve, a Swedish cheese made from cow’s milk? (it’s current meaning obviously referring to the sadness of not having any)

John Lennon originally wrote a song called “Happiness Is A Warm Gruyere” about Fondue, but changed it due to rhythmic and meter issues?  And the fact that Gruyere is a terrible cheese to use for fondue?

The seemingly endless wars between Britain and France in the 18th and 19th centuries were motivated primarily by the English desire for French cheeses?  And that the blue of the Napoleonic Army uniforms was meant to mock the quality of English cheeses such as Cheshire Blue, Devon Blue, and Yorkshire Blue?

I have to say that at this point I feel like I’m never going to get to the actual article.  I mean, this thing is already getting long, isn’t it?  And looking at what's been written so far it isn't readily apparent that this is supposed to be a backpacking blog.  So I think that before getting to the actual article I’d like to write for a bit about the history of cheeses along the Appalachian Trail, and in particular the 90s -- arguably the high point of backpacking with cheese.

A hiker resupplying at "Cheese Row" in Dalton, Mass.

Believe it or not, there are people today who don’t carry cheese while hiking (I know, I know -- It makes no sense whatsoever).

Not so the 90s!  

The average hiker of the time carried between four to five pounds of cheese when leaving town -- a weight that today is equal to many people’s big three.  And this love of cheese was fueled by the high quality fromageries of the trail towns.  Who can forget “Edam And Weep” in Duncannon?  “Limburger King” in Damascus?  Or possible the greatest cheese shop of the era -- “Live Brie Or Die” in Hanover?  This was a time of cheese-fueled hiking, a time before Baltimore Colby Jack shortened his trail name.  Sadly, this high-flying cheesy, lactose care-freesy era came to a close, with only the blue blaze trail to the Cheese Factory (between Tray Mt. & Indian Grave Gap in Georgia) and the walk past the Cheshire Mammoth Cheese monument in Massachusetts to remind us all of a better, cheese-filled time.

But an interest in cheese persists -- as you can imagine it would pretty much have to.  Because cheese will not be denied, and cheese will never surrender.  Even now, hiking forums are filled with questions about the longevity of cheese on the trail, and I think that this must at long last be the focus of this blog article, an article that I think we all have to admit is all over the place and not my best effort.

I feel like I am failing cheese.  But I must cheese press on.  Cheese would want me to.

The Longevity Of Cheese On The Trail

Always the question at the forefront of any prospective thru-hiker’s mind. Yes, also: what tent, where maildrops, which shoes, why hiking poles -- but always, always, HOW LONG CHEESE? And the answer, to be honest, is: not long. And not because of spoilage (after all, cheese extends the life of milk). But rather because while you may have the willpower to hike a long trail, you honestly don’t have the willpower to not eat the cheese you’re carrying. It will be gone all too soon, like the light dew of the morning, the crisp days of a New England Fall, indeed like the hike itself. Only more delicious. And with more fat.

Lactose-tolerant hikers enjoying a breakfast of
ice cream with cheese.

So once we accept the fact that the cheese will not last longer than its trail life, the questions you really want to ask become, “how much, which cheeses, and in what order?”

 I see where you’re going with those questions, so I'll continue the thought. You're going to want to bring a lot of cheese with you. I mean A LOT. Studies have shown that while lack of sunlight will eventually drive you insane, lack of cheese will make you incredibly unhappy, to the point that you will drive everyone else insane.

The two essentials for a successful thru-hike.

But you've got to get on a schedule. Say you're going out for a week. You want seven days worth of cheese, but not the SAME cheese. You want at least seven different kinds of cheese, and you want to eat them in ascending order of hardness.

So maybe you bring a huge thing of crumbly feta with you for a salad topping on day one, with maybe some goat cheese for lunch. Then you move on to your mozzarella ball on day two. A really big mozzarella ball, and you eat the whole thing by itself, like you're eating a snowball.

You get the point, so I won't belabor it. You end up on the last couple of days with some extra sharp Vermont cheddar and then a block of parm. I do recommend also carrying a can of grated parm to put on top of every other meal you eat, as well as to add to coffee and tea.

The cheese will last, as long as you eat it in the right order! You'll hike like you have wings! You'll stay toasty warm at night! You won't poop the whole time you're out there!

Good luck, and enjoy the cheese!

My god, I got a little amped up there at the end, didn’t I?  Hard not to do when writing about cheese, though.  I’m going to go lie down for a moment.

I’m back.  Now that I’ve calmed down a bit I’m looking back through this article and I realize that the whole thing is a mess.  All sorts of tenses, multiple perspectives, no coherent arc or pattern.  I mean, how did John Lennon get in there?

Have I failed cheese?  I think perhaps I have.  But the brilliant thing about cheese is that it loves us all unconditionally, with the exception of the lactose-intolerant.  Cheese forgives me and I know that cheese will give me a second and even third chance, which is more than I can say for hypothermia or my ex-girlfriend.

So I retire now from this piece, knowing that although it is awful, I will try again.  And write the greatest trail-related cheese article ever written by man.  Or cheese.

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Bees In My Pants: CDT Edition

FSI: From The Skin In (Rough Draft -- DO NOT PUBLISH!)

(Editor’s note:Please see me before this draft is published.  Associating ourselves with dead lunatics might not be in our best interests.)

It was not that long ago that backpackers struggled under the weight of enormous expedition-style packs, packs designed to carry so much weight that it was not unusual to find hikers in the woods carrying five-pound tents, stoves actually made by stove manufacturers, and even entire Tom Clancy novels.

1990s Era Backpack

But with the emergence of the idea that a backpacking trip didn’t have to end with your orthopedic surgeon owning a beach house came the popularity of “Lightweight Gear,” followed by waves of successively lighter gear setups: “Ultralight,” “Ultra-Ultra-Light,” and “Ultra-Ultra-Seriously-All-I’m-Carrying-Is-A-Spoon-Can-I-Borrow-Some-BodyGlide-Light.”

We’re quickly, however, reaching the point where lighter and lighter gear isn’t enough anymore, and people are so desperate to save weight they are now willing to buy products manufactured with fabric made from actual Cuban people.

(Editor’s note: Check source on the above -- doesn’t sound right.)

As hikers and backpackers search desperately for more and newer ways to get their packweight as close to zero as possible, I think it may be time to reintroduce a concept that was perhaps ahead of its time, an idea that I was reminded of when long distance hiker Jason “Totally Different Subject” Bivin told me how delighted he was with his prosthetic foot because it “weighs something like six ounces less than the real one they cut off.”

Jason "TDS" Bivens, left, post-FSI Upgrade.

I am, of course, talking about FSI, or “From The Skin In.”

Some of you may recall that “From The Skin In” was a concept introduced in 1995 by Lester Zemons in his Not-Even-Close-To-Bestselling book “Why You Probably Suck At Backpacking.”  To Lester, living in an era before trail runners, carbon fiber tent poles and titanium sporks, removing parts of your body to reduce the impact on knees and ankles made perfect sense.  But a number of factors conspired to keep Lester’s ideas from gaining traction.  Surgery was expensive. Sewing your own tarp sounded slightly less painful than an invasive procedure to remove your tailbone.  And Lester Zemons was kind of a jerk.

So it wasn’t a surprise that “Why You Probably Suck At Backpacking” was a critically unacclaimed failure, with one reviewer saying, “every once in a while you come across a book of inspired genius, with ideas you describe as ‘so crazy they just might work.’  This is not that book.”

Billville Press, 1995

Lester died in 2008 following single eyeball removal surgery, when a lack of stereoscopic vision caused him to walk in front of Mount Washington’s Cog Railway Train.  Later, while recovering, his lack of pinkie toes caused him to fall down the steps of the Tip Top House, breaking his neck.  Lester spent the last thirteen years of his life convinced that his book and ideas were overshadowed by the 1996 release of Ray Jardine’s Pacific Crest Trail Hiker’s Handbook, so much so that his last word are reported to have been, “an umbrella?  Really?”

Five years after Lester’s death we’ve reached the point where cutting even more handle off a toothbrush just isn’t possible, and many are already carrying a shelter that doesn’t protect from the elements whatsoever because “seriously, can you believe this?  It only weighs four ounces.”  And since ultramarathoner Marshall Ulrich and long distance hiker Nimblewill Nomad have both had their toenails permanently removed, getting rid of body parts seems like the next step for those who are truly serious about lightening their loads.

(Editor’s note: I don’t think that’s why they did that.)

Says long distance hiker and FSI proponent Kevin “Fester” Gallagher: “Three feet of lower intestine weigh about four pounds and you have tons of it to spare. That's like four Hexamid tarp tents sloshing around inside of you!  Would you carry four extra tents?  No?  Then why are you?  It's time to think FSI.”

So off I went to my doctor, Dr. Paul Fowler, to see about having my philtrum removed, which, it turns out, doesn’t result in any weight savings.  So next on my list was my spleen.  Because how important can it be if I have no idea what it does?

Supposedly there's a spleen in here somewhere.
Alternately this might be a pair of ski goggles made out of meat.

Here’s how the conversation went:
“That’s a terrible idea.”

Repeated subsequent conversations and phone calls ended with what I considered to be equally vague “opinions” from him, but I think that if not for the restraining order he would have eventually come around to my point of view and operated.

(Editor’s note: have received your lawyer’s bills regarding this.  We will not reimburse.)

So for now I remain full of spleen, which is weighing me down by anywhere from five ounces to 12 pounds, depending on who you ask and what it actually is.  I’m currently considering other possibilities and less scrupulous doctors.

And I would encourage all of my readers to consider your FSI options.  Appendix, tonsils, male breast tissue & nipples, wisdom teeth, fingernails, pinkies.  I mean, you’ve got an extra kidney.  An extra!  That’s a quarter of a pound you’re hauling around for no reason!  And let’s not forget that they’re doing incredible things with titanium bone replacements these days.  Start cutting useless pounds -- pounds! -- from your body's baseweight, and get out on the trail lighter and happier!

(Editor’s note: remove last paragraph -- opens us up to possible legal action.  Let's not have a repeat of The Leki Pole Incident.)

Thanks to Charles Chesnutt and Kevin Gallagher for their help with this article.  The quote from Jason “Totally Different Subject” Bivin is an actual quote, just in case you're wondering.

Hike Faster

Anish Breaks Speed Record For Lunch At ALDHA-West Gathering

Speed records have been a hot topic lately in the world of long distance hiking, with 2013 seeing record-setting hikes on both the Pacific Crest Trail and the Appalachian Trail.  But it would be difficult to describe the awe with which most are describing the latest record breaking feat -- the shattering of the speed record for Lunch at the ALDHA-West Gathering.

When Heather “Anish” Anderson sat down for Lunch on September 28th of this year, many thought the record, set in 2008, was unbeatable.  But Anish knocked a full 35 seconds off of it, an unheard of amount of time in a field where records are normally broken by seconds. 

Anish, struggling momentarily with the soup.

Previous record holder Joe “Tatu-Jo” Kisner, who set the previous mark of 2 minutes, 42 seconds in 2008, was on hand at Camp Augusta Saturday.  “Anish is a machine,” said Kisner, “I only recently switched to veganism, which this year made Lunch incredibly confusing for me.  But she has Lunch down.  We were all rooting for her.”

While Anish says that the trail community is mostly supportive,  some don’t see the point of breaking Lunch records.  “I could never eat Lunch that fast,” said one member of ALDHA-West, “you know, EYOL and all, but I don’t know how you can enjoy Lunch like that.  I think you have to slow down, savor it.” (That member preferred to remain unnamed for this story, stating, “yeah, the thing is, I prefer to do my smack-talking anonymously on the internet”) 

Anish takes this point of view in stride.  “There are occasionally people who are critical of the speed at which I eat.  But I really do enjoy it.  I tell people that I’m eating the same Lunch as them.  Only faster.  And without meat.  Or chewing.”

The website Fastest Known Time (FKT) doesn’t recognize Lunch records, and it's all done on the honor system.  But there is no doubt in anyone’s mind that this record is genuine.  Said Barney “Scout” Mann, “I was sitting right next to her the whole time.  She was eating Lunch.  And I own a watch.  It’s not too hard to figure out.”

Scott Williamson, Anish, and Tatu-Jo: Big Names In Speed Lunching

With a new record of 2:07 set, many discussed the possibility of what was once thought impossible -- a sub-two minute Lunch.  “I think it’ll happen eventually,” said Tatu-Jo, “Lunch records are all about challenging yourself.  Maybe Scott will do it.  Maybe he’ll figure out a way to Yo-Yo Lunch.  Who knows?”

What’s next for Anish?  She has entered the lottery for the Hard Rock 100 and hopes to have a chance to be a part of the race, which starts on her 33rd Birthday.  If she doesn’t get a spot via the lottery, she plans to break the record for Eating An Entire Birthday Cake At High Altitude, a record currently held by Sarah “Coyote” Holt.

(Update: Shortly after the record was set, Anish’s record was broken at the same Lunch by Cam “Swami” Hogan, who shaved two seconds off the record while eating Lunch in a supported fashion -- with assistance from Justin “Trauma” Lichter.) 

Swami Breaks Anish's Record With Assistance From Trauma

Trailer . . .

Embrace The Brutality: A Continental Divide Trail Adventure

Things Hikers Sometimes Do, Chapter One: Seam Sealing A Tent

If you’ve never bought a tent, or you’re the sort of person smart enough to only buy tents that are factory seam sealed, you may be unaware of how the process works.  The following describes my experience, with an added bonus product review.  Enjoy!

Retrieved from the trash for this photo.

I realized that I am car camping and going to festivals often enough that having a large heavy tent that I don’t really care about makes sense.  If you’ve ever bought a large cheap tent, you’ve probably discovered that they usually aren’t seam sealed.  Which means that regardless of how waterproof the fabric is, sheltering inside one in a storm is much like expecting to stay dry from the rain while inside an enormous spaghetti colander.  And no, that doesn’t make any sense.  Selling a tent that won’t keep the rain out seems willfully obtuse, like selling a car that doesn’t have tires.  I mean, I only expect two things of a tent: keep me dry, and don’t spontaneously combust while I’m sleeping inside it.  That the manufacturers seemingly don’t care about the first thing kind of makes me question whether they care about the second.

Anyway, what this means is that if you don’t want your large cheap tent to be like Gene Hackman’s house in Unforgiven, you’re going to have to seam seal it.  So off I went to the store, and rather than buy Seam Grip (which I know works), I picked up Gear Aid’s Seam Sure Water Based Seam Sealer.  Why?  Well, it was a dollar cheaper, and I also liked that because it was water based I

1. wouldn’t smell like I’d been building model airplanes all day and
2. wouldn’t once again set myself on fire while having a smoke immediately after seam sealing.

 Now, the thing about seam sealing is that I don’t like doing it, but it’s a relatively minor and short annoyance, much like Lil’ Kim or a prostate exam.  Still, if I can find a product that makes the task easier, I’ll take it.

 Gear Aid’s Seam Sure Water Based Seam Sealer is not that product.

In fact, I can say without reservation that this product is the worst hiking or camping product I have ever bought.  Ever.  It is far too watery and has a bottle applicator that absolutely doesn’t work if what you’re trying to do is get the product on the seams and not anywhere else.  After attempting to coat part of one seam there was sealer everywhere.  The floor.  The mesh.  The back of my neck.

If you want to know what using this product is like, call a friend and have them come over.  Then mail me $6.99.  Then fill a glass with Coke and have your friend stand above that glass with head pointed downward and mouth open.  Now try to throw Coke upwards into his mouth.  Here’s what will happen: very little of the liquid will end up where you want it, everyone will be sticky and disappointed, and someone who doesn’t deserve it will have $6.99 of your money.  Same with Gear Aid’s Seam Sure Water Based Seam Sealer.

The design of this product runs so counter to its stated purpose that I initially thought that something extraordinary with my particular bottle was to blame.  Perhaps some factory worker pranked me by filling it with deer ejaculate?  Dunno.  But on the whole I think it’s just more likely that the product is crap.

If you’re wondering if Gear Aid’s Seam Sure Water Based Seam Sealer actually works, I don’t know.  Maybe it’s incredibly waterproof and you’re drier than Churchill’s martinis.  Maybe it doesn’t work at all, and your tent doubles as a wading pool.  Or maybe it’s somewhere in the middle, like coating the seams with peanut butter.  You probably stay relatively dry, but there are mice absolutely everywhere.  I’ll never know, because I was so annoyed with it that rather than take it back for a refund I threw it in the trash, and then, worried that it might infect other things in my house that actually work, took that trash out to the curb.

Then off to the store to buy some Seam Grip, which unlike Seam Sure comes not just with the bottle applicator but includes a small brush.  Also: it’s the right gel-like consistency.  Also: the mere thought of it doesn’t make me angry.

Seam sealing is tedious.  And time consuming.  You’re essentially painting the seams while getting high on seam sealer fumes.  And because you’re high on seam sealer fumes, you will miss the one seam that actually needs to be sealed.  Which will invariably end up being directly above your head when you’re sleeping.  Which you’ll discover a month from now when it’s pouring rain.

But back in the here and now your seam sealing technique will change dramatically from the beginning of the process to the end.  At the beginning, you’re being pretty painstaking.  Carefully painting the seam, not using too much, wiping up that bit that spilled on the tent floor.  But the further into the seam sealing you get, it becomes progressively more important to be finished than neat.  Or even dry. You’re slapping gobs of that stuff all over the place.  You’re the Jackson Pollock of waterproofing.  The paper towels you were using to clean up earlier when you cared are now stuck to your lower back and shoulder.  Which means two things: you are most likely going to run out of seam sealer before you finish the job, and you are almost certainly going to get the tube of seam sealer stuck to your hand.

So it’s off to the store for another tube of Seam Grip, driving carefully so as not to get the "tube stuck to it" hand attached permanently to the steering wheel.  Then back to the yard and inside the tent, where, although it’s counterintuitive, you really should have started with the seams around the door.  Because now you are so ready for the whole thing to be over that you are pretty much done with the small brush, which in any case is currently stuck to the back of your leg.  You’re mainlining it now, going directly from tube to seam.  And if you’re not careful (and trust me, you’re not careful) there is an excellent chance that you are going to seam seal the door zipper shut, and possibly be forced to live inside the tent forever.

Which is not to say that you’re too stupid to figure out how to escape from the tent.   But at the very least we definitely know you’re not smart enough to buy a tent that is factory sealed.

Freedom regained with only minor damage to tent and ego, it’s into the house to wash up and pry off all of the stuff that has been stuck to your body for the past couple of hours.  The seam sealer will resist all attempts to “please for the love of god just get off of my hands,” and shortly thereafter, while typing up a piece about seam sealing, your left ring finger will get stuck to one of the keyssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

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Hiker Vows To "Make the CDT My Bitch"

Shane O'Donnell, Future CDT Speed Record Holder

For Immediate Release 10/26/11

Ignorance and a delusional sense of self-confidence.

That is what Shane O'Donnell will be relying on when he embarks on his bold and quite possibly life-threatening attempt to "not just shatter, but mug at knifepoint and beat senseless" the Continental Divide Trail speed record.

The 41-year-old Roslyn resident plans to depart from the trail's southernmost point in New Mexico early in May - probably on May 1st - in an attempt to complete the trail, which snakes through 5 states from New Mexico to Montana, in record time.

"I'm going to hike the entire CDT in 28 days," says O'Donnell, "I don't just want to break the record.  I want to smash the record into small pieces, sauté those pieces, eat them, and then poop them into a 6-8" deep cathole.  It's kind of a statement for me."

There is some doubt about the possibility of breaking the record, insofar as it doesn't actually exist.  Jackie McDonnell, CDT Guide Book author, explains: “There really isn’t a definitive speed record for the CDT because the trail itself doesn’t have one official route.  There are multiple termini, cutoffs, alternates and foul-weather routes.  Everyone’s CDT hike is unique in the sense that everyone hikes a slightly different (or sometimes greatly different) trail.  Setting a speed record would be meaningless, because it’s incredibly unlikely that any two people would hike the exact same trail.  Seems like poor planning. Is Shane O’Donnell even aware of this?”

Shane is aware of this, but insists that poor planning is part of his strategy.  

“There are a lot of naysayers and haters out there who know an awful lot about the CDT.  But they don’t know anything about me, about my inner drive, my refusal to quit even when what I’m attempting makes no sense whatsoever,” Shane explains, “it’s pretty clear that being completely aware of what I’m facing might crush my unrealistic expectations.”

Even if one assumes that the CDT is, in length, the minimum that has been estimated (approximately 2800 miles), Shane would have to clock 28 straight 100 mile days, including stretches in high altitude mountains that may be impassable due to snow.  Is he up to it?

“People tell me that I’m off the wall.  But that’s where everyone else is.  They’re ‘off the wall’ because they’re ‘on the floor.’  I’m ON the wall, and only I know what that means.  But experience?  Yeah, I’ve got tons.  I was a Boy Scout for a summer when I was, I think, 13.  And when I worked in Boston, the other valets and I once built a huge snow cave that we hung out in instead of working, so I’m comfortable with winter extremes.  Plus I’ve walked more than 30 miles in a day.  I don’t see how 100 miles is much different.  Or 28 of them in a row.”

Such a pace suggests that Shane will need to run, most likely for up to 22 hours per day, but he insists that he will hike unsupported.  Says Shane, “I guarantee that I will not wear underwear for the entire hike.  Wait.  What was the question?”

Though he’ll be unsupported, he expects to be followed, in a sense.

“Yeah, I’ll be tweeting, posting to Instagram, and updating on Facebook.  Then of course there’ll be my website, and my blog, and interviews I’ll do along the way, plus probably some updates on some charity sites I’ll link to in an attempt to get sponsorship and lessen awareness of my overly apparent narcissism.  I expect that everyone will be interested in paying attention to me.  Why wouldn’t they?”

While the answer to that may be painfully obvious to some, Shane insists that he will be inspired by all of the doubters, if not by the natural beauty that surrounds him.

“I’ll be thinking about the doubters the whole way as I beat the CDT so bad it’s own mom doesn’t recognize it,” he says, “I mean, they told Napoleon he couldn’t successfully invade Russia, but he didn’t listen, right?  I know that complete ignorance and self-delusion only gets you so far, but the fact that I won’t back down tells me this is a lock.  When I get done crushing the CDT, the Houston Astros will be making fun of it.” 

When contacted for an opinion, Garret “The Onion” Christensen asked, “What does that last sentence even mean?”

He’ll have to wait until May 2012 to find out.  

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